Chivalry is NOT Dead!

Is chivalry REALLY dead? Some people believe that it is long deceased. However, the original sentiment about chivalry has changed throughout the years and WE need to change along with it. We are living in the 21st century and as a woman I would like to be treated as an equal to EVERYONE. Many people would argue that women have fought so hard to have equal rights as men, and that when women expect men to do things, such as open a door or give up a seat, is setting women back. When a man does something for a woman, is he disabling her? Are women giving up power when they yield to a man’s polite gestures? When it comes to chivalry there are those few things that a person SHOULD do for another no matter if they are a man or a woman. OK… lets back up a bit. When I use the word "chivalry" the definition I am using is: courteous behavior toward the people around you; I have tweaked the definition a bit, the original one said “esp women” at the end. The reason why I have changed it to “the people around you” is because as human beings we need to be courteous to EVERYONE, no matter age, race, sex, etc.. This is something that is deeply rooted in our society. Our parents have taught us our roles as boys and girls. However, we are constantly evolving and our current social surroundings are not what we grew up with. As we progress and find our place in the world, we will realize not everything is black and white.

Ok ok … Where does this concept come from?  Chivalry originated between 1170-1220. The word itself is derived from the french word chevalerie, which translates to horse soldier and referred to knights in medieval times. In fact, chivalry or the chivalric code is essentially a code of conduct by which knights carry themselves. This code was composed of many promises a knight was supposed to keep. ONE of them being to honor women and be their helpmate, but above all they are expected to be courteous to everyone, this implies men, women and children alike. The reason why men are supposed to honor women in the chivalric code is because women are the nurturers of life. Any man that commits violence against women is a disturbance in the natural code of the universe, naturally they are supposed to protect women.

With all of that information in mind, I have a little story to tell, so grab your popcorn and a blanket … or a fan depending on the weather ...  ARE YOU READY? Ok ... I was walking into my doctor's office a few weeks ago and as I was walking in, a woman was walking out along with her 2 kids, a boy and a girl. The woman then told her son that he should open the door for her and his sister because that is what boys are supposed to do. I thought that it was great that she was teaching her son such manners, however, what was she teaching her daughter? What are girls supposed to do? Wait for a MAN to open the door for her? Opening the door for anyone is a simple act of kindness. EVERYONE is obligated to make sure the door doesn’t smack the person’s face behind them, because no one wants the door hitting them when they cross the threshold. When I was growing up, my siblings and I were not taught this concept that a man needs to do something for a woman. We were all expected to treat one another equally, and help others who are in need of it.

Chivalry is looked at as a romantic gesture in today’s society that exhibits a man’s ability to care for his woman, it’s no longer the code of conduct only knights are expected to follow. Men are required to use such behavior when wooing a woman. Here is one such example, when I’m on a date, and the guy I’m with opens the car door for me, I’m going to let him. This is not backwards thinking. It is flattering when someone else does something for me even if I can do it myself. It also lets me know that this guy cares for me enough to make sure all of my limbs are in the car before moving. But seriously, it lets me know that he has the ability to be gentlemanly and caring. It also makes me feel safe because he has made sure I made it into the car without a scratch. Trust me, he gonna get some gluten free brownie points right from the beginning (Fellows… Hope you’re taking notes). Within a romantic setting or relationship, the other person will ALWAYS get a positive reaction if they do something that is unexpectedly nice for the other. Calling ahead to make reservations for a meal, shows the other person that some thought went into planning the evening. The simple task of planning ahead makes the person feel cared for because the planner took control of the situation.  

Maybe it’s not even chivalry that we are talking about, maybe we are just talking about human kindness and practicing your manners. OR maybe that is EXACTLY what chivalry is. We are too consumed with our new fancy smart phones that we do not even notice the person walking out of the building behind us. Being more aware of what is going on around us, is one of the first steps to being a kinder person. The definition of chivalry is no longer what a man can do for a woman, it is however, what one human being can do for another human being. Just a few months ago the United States Congress legalized same sex marriage, it is clear we no longer have the same traditional concept of gender roles and it is time to redefine our social expectations of one another. What are the next steps to creating a better, more peaceful place for the generations to come?

~Be kind.

What Good Am I If I Do Not Help?

What is the value of one's life if they cannot see beyond their own pathetic little lives. Our lives are so small and insignificant that we do not have the option of being self centered. People who do not touch the lives of others are forgotten because they are too busy thinking about themselves. Had Martin Luther King Jr. only thought about himself, we would still be living in segregation. Had Mahatma Gandhi not stood up against injustices, we would still be fighting our oppressors with sticks and ammunition. Had Cesar Chavez not spoken out for workers’ rights, we would still be working for dirt. Had Sophia Auld not taken the time and risked her reputation to teach Frederick Douglass how to read, we would not have a narrative of a slave in American history. Where would we be without all of these amazing people? We could be here all day... year... if I continue to name more. One thing these people have in common is that they all were looking beyond their own lives and worked to make life better for everyone around them. King knew the dangers of what he was doing, but he stuck with it because he knew he could make a difference in the world. Gandhi knew how powerful the British were and he could have easily moved to another country, but he stood his ground and fought. Chavez knew that it was going to be a long and hard road to gaining basic human rights for farm workers, but he stuck with it and fought to the end. Auld knew that no one would approve of her affection for a slave, but she taught Douglas how to read and write anyway.

Human kindness. What does it mean? It means helping whomever, whenever you can. I am at a point in my life where I am trying to figure out what I can do to make it a fulfilling one, and I know that in order to make it a fulfilling one I need to help people. If I knew that I could do something to make someone else’s life better and I chose not to take action to help, I would constantly be wondering if I could have made a difference. Whenever I witness someone turning a blind eye when I know they are fully capable of helping someone, I feel disgusted in humanity. What is our purpose if we are not here to help those who are in need? Yes, it is true that we need to help ourselves before we can help others, but where does it end and where does it begin? Together we are much stronger than we will ever be alone. It takes a village to raise a child and we need to apply the same mentality when it comes to helping those around us.

Do something nice for someone. It doesn’t cost you an arm and a leg to make someone else's day. The main idea behind being truly kind to someone is to better their day without expecting a reward. Acts of true kindness build your character, it shows that you want to do something out of the honesty of your own heart and nothing more. Do what you can to help; if there is a sink full of dishes, wash them, if there is a person about to cross the street wait for for them, if there is a person asking for help, help them however you can. If anyone is in need of a little help, you could be the difference in their lives. Don’t worry about what they do with it, if you know you did what you could then you did your part, and you will know it wasn’t for lack of human kindness.

Not too long ago I was on my way to buy myself a mop, (cuz lord knows I needed it!) and I came across a little old lady who dropped her canned goods out of her shopping bag. We were walking in 95 degree weather and it was extremely windy, as a result she was having trouble controlling her shopping cart. I saw her struggling so naturally, I stopped to help her For me helping her was a no brainer. I was on a time crunch I need to get my mop and go, but I knew that if I helped her it would only take up 2 minutes of my time, and she too would be on her way much quicker. Once I was done helping her she looked at me and simply said, “Thank you, you just made my day.” Her 7 little words at the end made my day as well. When I stopped to help her I did not stop to seek some type of reward, but it was satisfying that my presence and helping hand was enough to turn someone’s day around. I then began to think what good am I if I cannot help the people around me? What kind of person would I be if I turned my back on another being in need?

~Do what you can no matter who is watching. Every little bit counts.

If I Knew Then What I Know Now: A Letter to Hareena’s Past Self

Dear, Me (5 years younger)

There are SO many things I could tell you about your future and how things turn out, but everything happens as it should. When things do not go as planned it is critical to learn how to pick yourself back up and learn to go with the flow. No matter what I tell you, from the future, it will not change the events of your life that will lead you to where I am today. You will have smoother transitions in life if you realize the changes that need to be made sooner.

Family, they will always be there, but they are not the ones living your life. Your family will support you in whatever it is that you want to do and your actions will affect them. However, your happiness is most important. You have to live with yourself and if you are not happy about what you have decided, then it is YOU that has to face yourself in the mirror everyday. So, listen to everyone, take their advice, but in the end do what you want to do. Listen to what your heart and mind are saying to you, it will make the difference and you will be more at peace with yourself.

Do not be afraid of change. There will be a point where you will have to leave everything behind; your childhood, your friends, your neighborhood. You will have to learn how to adjust to the change and you will have to learn how to figure things out for yourself. Learn how to break away from the comfort of your normal everyday life, learn to welcome the change and look at it as a new beginning, a new opportunity to learn.  

Figure out what you want to do and DO IT! The sky's the limit and do not let ANYONE tell you, “you can’t.” If you waste your time listening to people who tell you this, you will begin to believe it. You will be stuck with nowhere to go and stray away from your purpose. Essentially, you will be wasting your valuable time. The feeling of being lost will overcome you causing you to lose purpose. The only way you will figure out what you want to do is to try new things! Do not stop yourself from trying new things, that next thing you try, just may be what you were meant to do. Do not settle for less than what you deserve.

A part of living is dying. People will come and go, but it's especially hard to lose someone that is close to you. It is even harder to lose someone that you NEVER got a chance to know. Never miss out on the opportunity to speak to anyone, no matter how close or distant the relationship is. You never know when your conversation will be the last one.

This next piece of advice that I am about to share with you may sound a bit odd, given our history, but try to care less. There will be people that come into your life that you will care too much about, and it will seem as though they do not even care whether or not you are even breathing regularly. Be kind to everyone, and do not show any one any negative feelings.There will be those few people that will be there for you when you need them and those are the people you need to care for. Put the effort in showing them that you care. A Mark Twain quote comes to mind, “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” So, if you care less about the people that do not blink an eye for you, you will have more time to focus on yourself and the people who deserve your attention, you will endure less suffering.

Sincerly,

Hareena (from the future)

Unconditional Kindness

Every once in a while it is nice to receive recognition for your hard work, but it is especially nice when you receive something without even expecting it. There have been countless times where I have witness someone doing something and they EXPECT a reward for doing whatever it is that they did. We live in a culture where positive reinforcement is used too often and being kind for the mere fact of being kind is not taught enough. From a young age, if we do something good or something that is favored we will receive some type of reward. For example if you make good grades in school your parents will do something nice for you like buy you that one item you have always wanted, or take you to that one place you have always wanted to go. When that happens people begin to only do things if a reward is already in place. On the other hand, when someone does something nice for us we question the other person’s motives.We question what the other person wants from us and why. With all of that in mind ask yourself this: How do you treat people who have nothing to offer you in return?

We all say that we should treat others how we want to be treated, but do we ACTUALLY do it? I remember a situation at my Junior College, I was walking to lecture on a windy day when I dropped my folder and my papers flew every which way. There were too many people to count walking where I dropped my folder, and not a single person stopped to help me pick up the scattered papers. I remember feeling so small and insignificant, then anger took a hold of me, I began to question how others would feel if they were in my shoes, I am sure THEY would have appreciated the help. Now just to be clear I did not EXPECT anyone to help me but I could not wrap my head around the fact that out of ALL of the people there not a single soul could spare a few seconds to help the girl on the floor picking up her papers. Everyone may have been rushing to their next lecture or to work, or some other obligation, the heart of the reason no one stopped to help me was because no one could see what there was to gain by helping me, they only saw what they would lose: their time. My time was lost, because I had to pick up  ALL of the papers on my own, if I had a helping hand I would have spent half of the time picking up the papers. Had someone stopped to help me there would have been gains on both sides. I would have had help with my papers as well as a friendly conversation. The other person would have gone the rest of their day with the satisfaction that they helped someone who really needed it and they would have gained a friend in the process.

You shouldn’t need someone to tell you to do something, if you know that you can play a role in a task that requires attention, do it, and don’t expect a round of applause. If you and a room full of lazies are complaining about the awful stench coming from the garbage can, then take the trash OUT! Doesn’t matter who does it, everyone will benefit. You won’t always be handed a nice reward for taking the trash out, sometimes you won’t even get any thank you’s. However, being proactive when no one else is, sets you apart. If you know there is work to be done, give it your best and hope for the best without relying on shiny badges or gifts to validate your hard work. Humble yourself in all that you do because you can’t say that your work is honest and fulfilling if you’re in it for some kind of formal reward. When you do something without expecting anything in return, your true self shines through. On the other hand when you expect someone to do something in return, it will never be good enough because you will have your heart set on something much bigger and better. When you don’t expect anything, EVERY LITTLE THING someone does for you will fill you with gratitude.

Be kind for the main reason that you CAN BE KIND, it takes more energy to be mean to someone anyway. When you feel yourself thinking about what it is you have to GAIN from someone, stop and try to see what it is that you can OFFER to the other person. How can you make THEIR life better? When you are helping someone that has nothing to offer you it shows the person you are. It shows that you are willing to go that extra mile to make someone else's day. Try it some time you will see that it too, will also offer some fulfillment from knowing that you have done something positive for someone else. Break the mentality of “if-you-have-nothing-to-gain-you-are-wasting-your-time,” I hope that you will see that you actually have more to gain than you know: satisfaction, satisfaction of knowing that you were able to help another living being.

~“No one has ever become poor by giving.” ~Anne Frank

Happiness From Within

Are you happy? What makes you happy? Is it the big things or small things? Or perhaps they are not things at all, but moments. Moments with the ones that you love. Happiness is defined as the state of being happy, and happy is defined as feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. Both of these definitions are set in the present tense, the NOW. However, people often times think about their happiness as something to be achieved in the future, “If I do this I will be happy.” I too am guilty of this. I find myself saying that once I reach a goal I will be happy, but the truth is once I reach that goal there will be another goal to chase. We will never be happy if we are stuck chasing that happiness. Happiness is something to be felt in the present moment.

There are lots of people in my life who I would like to see happy, but their happiness is not the center of my happiness. I know people that weight their happiness heavily on that of others, but you cannot control if another person is happy. There are many other factors in people’s lives that we do not have knowledge or control over. We all have our own idea of what happiness looks and feels like, so whatever makes us feel good is not the same thing for another person. Happiness is relative not universal, it is not a “one size fits all” type of deal. Everyone’s mind arrives at the idea is happiness differently. What makes me happy is not necessarily the same thing for you. Happiness is so simple yet we make it complex. I love how Aristotle put it, “Happiness depends upon ourselves.” WE have the power to be happy or not, Happiness is a choice and we must CHOOSE to wake up every morning and be happy.

I have always said that you should do whatever makes you happy, but this statement is not entirely true. One should do what makes them happy, as long as they do not bring harm to those around them. A lot of our own happiness is a direct result from the environment that we come from. So if the people in your life are not happy then you are not, you too are being exposed to their unhappiness. Chances are that the people you keep in your life are people you care about, and you show compassion toward these people. Your actions or the lack there of will always affect those around you whether you intend to or not. I have been around so many people that do what is right for them, but they do not stop to think about how their actions will affect the people they love. While they themselves have a favorable outcome, they do not take into account how it will affect others around them. If the people in your life are negatively affected by a decision that YOU have made, this will affect YOUR level of happiness, and lets face it, moods are contagious, so what do you want in your life? I am not saying that you should completely sacrifice your happiness for that of those around you, that is counterproductive, but you do need to weigh your options and ask yourself if the outcome is favorable for everyone. You have to be an active participant when it comes to your own happiness, do not just idly stand there waiting for something to happen, you have to make life happen and take charge. The Dalai Lama once said, “Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” You have to make sure that your actions do not bring harm to the ones you love, because their happiness is connected to your’s.

For many people losing weight is tied to their happiness, but guess what? If we never learn to accept ourselves the way we are, we will never be skinny enough. People have a misconception of how to gain happiness, it is a state of mind. Losing weight is external, and being genuinely happy comes from within. You have to learn to be happy with the skin you are in, and realize that what we LOOK like on the outside is not the same as how we feel on the inside. Happiness is something that we feel, and we arrive at the feeling through our mind set. Ever hear of “mind over matter?” Well happiness is the same concept. Objects outside of us do not get to decide what happiness is, our minds have to arrive at that conclusion all on its own. Our minds are more powerful than we give them credit for. It is important to work towards a realistic goal, but all that work will have been for not if you do not know how to love yourself today. Imagine waking up every morning being happy and loving the skin you are in, and being grateful to live another day. You will one day accomplish that weight goal, but imagine the level of satisfaction you will achieve if you feel good while you are working toward that goal. You may even reach that goal faster. Mahatma Gandhi said, “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” When you are working toward a goal and you want to reach it with every fiber of your being, every little progress will make you feel happy causing all of the pieces to naturally fall into place.

I know you must be thinking that is easier said than done … which is true, but there is no way you can change your mindset in the snap of a finger. It will take time and you will have to work hard at it. You have to make it a point to be happy NOW. There are techniques that you can learn to train your mind to become what you want it to be. In his TED talk, Matthieu Ricard, talks about “The Habits of Happiness.” Ricard mentions that there are studies that have been done in regards to happiness, and they have found that the same parts of the brain are active when a person is expressing kindness and compassion. Expressing kindness and compassion is key when it comes to being happy, knowing that you have had a positive impact on someone else’s life will make you feel fulfilled. Furthermore, not expecting or seeking a reward in return for being kind and compassionate, leads to a deep feeling of serenity and satisfaction. Being a better person goes hand-in-hand with your level of happiness, almost everything we do is dependent on our own happiness or the happiness of the people we care for in our lives the most. Ricard also talks about the Buddhist view of happiness as being the same as “well being,” it is not just a “pleasurable sensation” as defined above, it is a deep sense of serenity and fulfillment. This concept takes the idea of happiness to another level. Happiness then has a sense of peacefulness, longevity, and is infinite, it is no longer just a moment in time but it is a series of moments that you can look back on and know that you have experienced a sense of fulfilment.  

The next time you are finding it difficult to be happy, I hope that you will remember this post. When all seems lost and feels hopeless, just remember that you and only you alone have control over your thoughts. Think of all to positives in your life, and list all of the things you are grateful for, reach out to a friend. Edith talked about all of these things and more in her last post, Snap Out of it! Most importantly remember that you are not alone, everyone is on this journey to finding happiness.

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If Today was Your Last Day...

We all go through that phase where we think that we are invincible, no one and nothing can harm us. But we will all realize that we are all gonna die one day. So, how do you want to be remembered? How will you leave your mark on this world? Life is short! We are always hearing stories of young people losing their lives before making their mark on the world, and that they had so much to live for … but the truth is that we do not know WHEN we are going to die, and who are we to say that this person did not take full advantage of their life. Death is tragic and unexpected no matter what the case may be, old or young, how do we know what kind of life the person lived? Yes, it is unfortunate if a 16 year old loses his/her life but, it is much worse for those of us who are left to deal with the loss, because they are no longer here. However if it is a 95 year old, we do not think twice about how this person got to live a “full” life, we will still miss them but knowing they lived so many years offers us a better form of closure. The number of years that we live does not determine the quality of life we live. As Abraham Lincoln once said “In the end, it’s not about the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” So whether it be 16 amazing years on this planet or 95 long years, make it count! Tomorrow is not a promise so you have to make the best of it.

I recently found out that someone I knew a while back passed away, and naturally I began to think about how amazing this person was. This person was only in my life for a short while, but they left a mark on my life. Their kindness and positivity motivated me to strive and work for what I want out of life. This person will never know the effect they had on me, because I got the inspiration from ONE conversation we had. I can only imagine how this person affected others … this was the single memory of them that had a lasting impression on me, one memory, one encounter in a sea of people who had also been touched by this person. This has got me thinking about the mark I will leave behind. How will I be remembered? I DO NOT live my life according to what others think. People are going to judge you no matter what you do or say, so I strive to be happy, and as I have said many times before, I want to leave a positive mark on those around me. After I came to this realization, I became more self aware of my actions and of my words. I want to be remembered as a kind hearted person because as Maya Angelou once said, “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Emotions are powerful! Kindness is key to leaving a lasting impression on someone. If you give time out of your day to just listen and to offer some words of kindness others will remember that.

How you live your life is how people will remember you. However you should not live your life based on how people will view you, it is YOUR life and you only get one, make the most of it, be happy. We all get wrapped up in our lives and we focus on our careers so that we can build ourselves up in order to get that promotion, or to buy that new house or car.  All this is important, but we need to balance our lives. We need those things to live in our society. If you do not have money, you do not have the conventional means of survival, yet you also need to maintain your mental health, and cultivate the real meaning behind life. We need to stop and look at what really matters in life, we need to cultivate the relationships that mean the most. Quality over quantity, focus your energy on something that feeds your soul. Invest your time into parts of your life that make you enjoy living, time is precious! Don’t waste it.

Death is inevitable, you have a choice in how you live and let live, the trick is to be you, and do no harm to others. Leave a positive mark, inspire others to be the best they can be, and they will remember you for that. You never know when you are going to pass away so make sure to always create positive, fruitful memories with the ones you care about. Spend your time carefully, do not let another second pass you by and feed quality moments to your life. Live every day like it’s your last.

~Be happy and don’t dwell on the past, live in the present and welcome the future with open arms.

Be NICE

“Treat others how you want to be treated.” I grew up hearing a phrase that is very similar to this one. In my experience I have seen that many people are treated like sh*t!!! It may be someone you go to school with, someone in the workplace, or even someone you see while walking down the street. The fact of the matter is that there will always be insensitive people, but how we treat people says a lot about who we are as individuals.

Regardless of age and status you are obligated to treat everyone with kindness and respect. The Egyptian philosopher, Philo said it best, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” We are all human and we all have human emotions, as a result we do not know what people around us are going through. With that being said we should also not over analyze what other people do to us, because we simply do not know what provoked the other person’s actions.

If you ever find yourself in the position where you feel that someone is not treating you right ,you have the right to ask them why that is. When you ask the other person it is very important that you stop and realize that your words and actions will carry weight, and you must really think about your delivery. Be kind and think about how YOU would want to be approached in this situation. Chances are they did not even realize what they were doing and will not know how their actions are effecting you unless you say something. I think that the most important thing is to realize that we are all human and we ALL make mistakes, what matters is not those mistakes, but the fact that we learn from those mistakes, and we become better people for it.

Treating others the way you would like to be treated can be an extension to the idea of being the change you would like to see in the world. Becoming a kind and more understanding person can effect other people because our moods are also contagious, be nice and nice is what you will get back.

I would like to leave you with the words of Maya Angelou, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

~Be Nice :D