The “Perfect Mate” … Whatever THAT Means

Tall, Dark, and Handsome … What more could a girl want? We all have our preference when it comes to the Perfect Mate. No one wants to go through life alone, and we all long for the “One” to come along, but are we looking too hard? or not hard enough? And if we are looking for that special something in a person, does it even matter? Tall. Dark. Handsome. These are all PHYSICAL attributes that most people desire, but they will one day fade. Physical attributes are not important and you will ultimately be left with what is on the inside, the character. We all have a mental list of what we want, which is ok, but we have to be willing to stray away from that list to find that Perfect someone.

Everybody has some sort of image of what the Perfect Mate LOOKS like, however looks aren’t enough to keep us interested for a lifetime. This image is holding us back and not allowing us to see what is beneath the surface. If we compare folks to this picture in our head, we are setting them up for failure before we even get to know them. The “Perfect Mate” is someone that lives in our heads, and WE are the ones who shape what they look like and who they are. We MAKE UP their personality and their physical attributes so, of course we are going think they are perfect! However, when we meet someone in the real world, we are confronted with someone who has his/her OWN thoughts. When we get to know that person, we will find that there will be differences of opinions, causing us to rethink the existence of that Perfect Mate in reality.

When I ask someone what they want in a mate they bust out with a list. Yet, when a potential mate falls short of that list we begin to look elsewhere to find a mate that fits the list. We are not willing to step away from that list, even if what is written on there is something totally unreasonable, such as a full head of hair, 6 pack abs, blue eyes, or a perfect complexion. Do those things even matter? The person’s features will not make a difference in how they treat you or the people around them. Physical attributes do not define them as a Human Being. We all gonna look ugly one day anyway. So, what DOES matter? What lies beneath: CHARACTER and PERSONALITY. Having a mate that is good looking is a plus, but that should not be the total foundation of why you choose to be with that person. We are all attracted to different people and different personality traits, so we have to become aware of what WE want. However, when it comes to that list we have to remember that no one will 100% fit EVERY SINGLE THING you have on that “list,” you have to be willing to be flexible.

Character and personality are here to say, beauty will not last no matter how hard you try. Beauty is skin deep and you have to peel the layers to get to the “Perfect Mate.” We all want to be with someone we find attractive, but beauty isn’t everything. As we get older our youthfulness will be overcome by wrinkles, lines, hair falling out and growing in places it shouldn’t. Having someone with nice abs and a tight butt is cool today, but how would you feel once that’s gone? Would you still be interested in the person beneath all of the layers? Looks will one day fade, however our character is what remains. If you fall for someone totally based on what they look like the chances of having a long lasting relationship is very slim. The “Perfect Mate” is that individual’s personality you fall in “love” with. Humans are forever changing. We will never stay the same person for too long, and in most cases we are changing into better people. Most of that change and positive development can be accredited to the people we surround ourselves with, this includes our “Perfect Mate.” So when searching for a “Perfect Mate” we should stop and reflect on how that person is going to affect us, and how we affect them. We all have things we need to improve on, we just need to find the right person to help us make that change. We are not perfect.

No one wants to walk through life alone, we all hope that the special someone is out there for us. What if that person is staring you in the face every single day and you don’t even know it because you wrote them off of your list and now you’re too busy looking at everyone else? Stop thinking that your ideal mate is “PERFECT,” there is no such thing (if there is let us know … COMMENT! We would love to hear from you) Find in people what actually matters what makes them unique. Appreciate everyone for who they are on the inside and don’t be blindsided by the eye candy. Get to know people before you make an assumption about them.

~Be YOU!

Social Media: It’s Sucking Your Soul

I recently went to a wedding and I was appalled to find that the younger generation choose to socialize at the event through social media! As I was looking around the venue, the older generation was walking around and having drinks with one another while engaging in friendly conversation. However, the younger generation was sitting at their table and taking photos for their SnapChats, Instagrams, posting status updates to Facebooks and Twittering them tweets and whatever else is cool these days. Once I arrived home I decided to check my social media, and I was able to see EVERYTHING that was being posted during the event. I do not think that there is anything wrong with this type of expression, but I began to question why people WANT to post stuff in the first place. Is it to show off? Is it to seek attention? Is it about how many “likes” you can get? Or is it the simple fact that people CAN? Whatever the case may be, I think that it is important that we limit our social media interactions. It is consuming us and is putting a stop to the amount of face-to-face interactions we are having.

When you are plugged into social media and you are cyber stalking someone (don’t even try to lie, we ALL have done it) they seem to have their lives together. The key word there is: SEEM! When people post things to social media, they are posting the “cream of the crop” so to say. Meaning they are shedding light on all of the fun things and great times that are happening in their lives. So to be a third person looking in, and to think that they have their live together is completely wrong. We are only getting one side of the story, we are getting what people choose to post, what they CHOOSE to make public. I am sure that others feel the same way when they Facebook stalk you. When people do post something negative or something bad that is happening in their life, we tend to think that they are only seeking attention. Why is it ok to show off that you went on an awesome vacation, but when you are having a rough time, people think you are seeking attention? When people post things that could be viewed as “attention seeking,” it could just be a coping mechanism for something the poster is going through, and could simply be reaching out for some support. Everyone has the right to post whatever they want to THEIR social media, and if you do not like what you are seeing you have the right to ignore, block, unfriend or whatever you see fit.

There are also those circumstances where things get posted to social media to show others up, air out the dirty laundry, or to poke at someone else without actually saying who or what they are talking about. I get that this is one way people deal with issues in their life but it is petty and immature. If you cannot say something to someone’s face or if you are trying to send a message to someone indirectly, there is a deeper issue and you need to figure out why you have trouble talking face-to-face. If you find yourself on the other end of things and think that everyone is out to get YOU and is attacking YOU …. First off get a life, the Earth, Sun, Moon and whatever else is floating out there is not spinning around YOU. Secondly, if the other person cannot say something to your face, then it is simply not important enough for you to worry your little head about it.

Focus on what is important in your life. If you are spending long hours on something that is not enriching your life, then essentially you are wasting away. What you see on your facebook news feed is not reality, we choose to believe that all of those people on there are our “friends,” but our friends are the people that are there for us when we need them. Those friends that are there for us before the Sh*t hits the fan and are there after to clean it up and deodorize, those are the people that ARE important, THEY get dirty fo’ you! The more time you spend fussing with social media you are missing out on the reality around you. Reminder: Your time is precious! You will not be getting a refund for time spent unwisely. Don’t indulge in social media to the point where you aren’t even enjoying the experience in the flesh. Ask yourself this, “Is all the time I’m spending letting the world know what I’m doing actually taking away from the actual thing they see me doing?” If the answer is yes then stop and LIVE for LIFE’S SAKE! Life is only temporary.

Many people use social media like Facebook to keep in touch with their friends and family members. My friend (actual friend in the flesh) was telling me that they were being tagged in pictures of a newborn and said to me “As time goes by I’m probably going to watch this baby grow up through a screen.” It’s not bad that we look to these means of communication as a way to stay “connected,” we must be careful and think about how we are beginning to drift from a face-to-face society to a face-to-FACELESS society. The lack of physical contact can be desensitizing, it allows us to stretch out our feelings over time therefore losing our initial reaction. We are no longer genuine in our sentiment about our initial reactions when we are sitting behind a screen, we have the choice to respond to others when we feel the time is right, even if that is 2 years later.

What about 10 years later? As we get invitations for our high school reunions, I begin to wonder what is the point. Through social media, I know who is having kids and when they are having them (literally), who got married, who got divorced, who is doing what job, who came out of what the closet, when and where people have traveled. If I can see all of that through a screen on my phone why do I need to physically go to a reunion? If I REALLY wanted to catch up with someone I can simply send them a message or write on their wall. Social media has taken the excitement out of attending a reunion. It has given us the privilege to keep in touch with one another long after we have moved on with our lives, but it stops us from enjoying these types of social events.

Everyday we are presented with the opportunities to speak to the people around us, or we can CHOOSE to look at our phone. If we put our phones down for a minute who knows who we will meet, but we will NEVER meet that person if we are busy looking at who is having what baby on Facebook.UNPLUG! Turn that Facebook-thang off, and turn yo face on! Your lips are there to talk to people and your brain is there to think and engage with others in CONVERSATION! … ACTUAL CONVERSATION WITH YO’ FACE TO ANOTHER FACE.

Try, Try Again and NEVER Say, “I Can’t”

“I can’t.” These are the words I heard out of my student’s mouth as she was looking for a word in the dictionary. She did not say it once, not twice, but she said it three times. I could not understand why those two little words, “I can’t,” irked me so much. I was not going to let her give up so easily. Every single word is in the dictionary, she just needed to look harder, and no matter how long it was going to take her, I was going to keep pushing her until she got it on her own. As she was looking I tried to figure out why hearing her say, “I can’t” bugged me so much, then it occurred to me that I was taught NEVER to say those two little words. Those two words set you up to fail, if you THINK you cannot do something then you will not, it is that simple.

When I was in the second grade (about the same age as my student) my teacher, Mrs. Tanner, made us say, “Try, try again and NEVER say, ‘I can’t,’” every single morning ritualistically. As the school year went on, I began to say these words with more and more confidence. However, I still did not fully understand the power and meaning those words carried, or how they have shaped the person I have become. I was a bright-eyed second grader and I did not know what the world had in store for me. Because Mrs. Tanner drilled me not to say, “I can’t,” it never really occurred to me how damaging the words really are, and to a great extent a lot of my success is because she taught me to believe in myself. Whatever I set my mind to, I know that I can accomplish it. Many years in the making the light bulb finally went off and I have Mrs. Tanner to thank for that. That moment, with my student was a realization for me, I FINALLY realized what Mrs. Tanner was trying to teach me all of those years ago.   

Whenever I feel like I cannot do something or feel I like complaining about things, I always say to myself, “mind over matter.” Our problems and obstacles are only as big as we make them. The words “I can’t” disable you mentally, your mind believes that you cannot do something and if your mind believes it, it will be harder to achieve that task. Thinking these words stop you from even trying, it sets you up for failure before you even begin. When you say that you CAN do something, that is one step closer to actually accomplishing the task at hand. If for whatever reason you did not complete the task, then you can walk away knowing that you have done everything that you could. If you believe that you cannot do something from the beginning, then there really is not a point in trying any further. You can set yourself up for success or you can sit on your A$$ and let things blow up in your face … It’s your choice.

I told my student the story of my second grade teacher, and as I was doing so, I hope that she will one day understand the value of, “Try, Try again and never say ‘I can’t.’” One day I too hope that I will have the same impact on all of my students as Mrs. Tanner had on me. As time goes by, I hope that my students will one day remember me and the lessons that I thought them. If Mrs. Tanner is still out there I hope that I will be able to share this story with her, so she can know the impact she had on me as well as all of the other students she touched. Going through life is not about what we cannot do, but it is about what we set our minds to and accomplish. I hope that by writing this article the wise words of Mrs. Tanner will continue to impact others.

~Say, “I can’t” one mo’ time … and watch whaz gon happen!  

You Want Some Fries With That?!

Complaining, we all do it. We complain about the things that don't go our way, we complain because we are expected to do things we do not want to do and in the midst of bitching about life we forget about the blessings and we also forget that it could be worse. We need to be mindful about how we express our 'misfortunes' to those around us. Not everyone has the same blessings as you do. There are many material objects in our lives that we complain about either because it is too slow or is not working properly, yet there are some people in the world that do not have such luxuries. It is much easier to point out the bad things that are going on in our lives, I am one of those people and I know that I need to work on looking at the positives in my life. We all need to be more grateful and need to be more present despite what doesn't go our way. Be thankful to still be alive, every day that you’re not six feet under is a great day. Make it an effort to be more grateful for the positive things in your life and stop complaining. Appreciate more, complain less.

I was talking to a friend of mine, we were telling each other about our day and I began to complain about all of the work I had to do and how busy life is. Then, my friend stopped me and said "at least you have a job." I was stumped by how they put me in check and it was true, at least I was blessed to have a job. I was ashamed that I was ungrateful about my job when my friend has been looking for a work unsuccessfully. To my friend it seemed I as though I was looking for some pity or seeking outside gratification for the hard work load, but I should have empathetic. They pointed out that my reality could have been much worse. At least I had the means to pay for rent, food, and utilities with my job which I took for granted.

Taking things for granted, complaining about the blessings you already have and wanting MORE, can you be any more greedy?! A lot of people are fortunate enough to have the basic necessities for life, yet, they tend to worry about the things they do not have and it’s not until we lose something that we realize its value. We never really know what we have until it is gone, only then do we realize that we WERE blessed. Why is it that we become cognizant of our fortunes when it's too late? We don't have to pass up the opportunity to be grateful. We have the capability to see the good in our lives, we just need to make more of a point to see what we have. We shouldn't be retrospectively thinking about how good we once had it, we should take a moment to be grateful for what we have now, in the present moment. Aside from the basic needs for survival, everything else is a material THING that we can live without  Do not create attachment to THINGS; work on being present. When you become aware that you are missing an object, focus on the present moment. Do not lose energy on missing someTHING, use that energy on what you DO have.

People are never satisfied, they ALWAYS want fries on the side. We trick ourselves into thinking we never have enough and if things don’t go our way we believe that we are essentially ruined. We have grown to own more than we even have space for, yet in our our minds, that is STILL not enough. When you are overflowing with “stuff,” you still complain about how you can get something better. Even if you know you will be full with the main course of the meal you STILL want your fries. You overload your stomach with food, but when you finish you complain about how you ate too much. If you’re complaining about gas prices, think about the people that can’t afford to own a car. If you’re complaining about your phone and want to upgrade think about the people who do not even have a phone or a butt to wipe their toilet-paper on.

Go ahead, complain. It’s not going to get you anywhere. You may not realize it but there are many things to be grateful for instead of complaining about the small stuff. To live a positive and happy life you have to train your mind to focus on the things that are going “right” and NOT the things that are going “wrong.” Remember that materialistic things are items you can live without. The important thing is that you are alive. Be more alive and be more present. Be grateful for your fortunes, even when you are dwelling on the negatives in life.

When you find yourself complaining about life, let it out and let it go. There comes a point when you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and look at the glass as being “half full.”