Unconditional Kindness

Every once in a while it is nice to receive recognition for your hard work, but it is especially nice when you receive something without even expecting it. There have been countless times where I have witness someone doing something and they EXPECT a reward for doing whatever it is that they did. We live in a culture where positive reinforcement is used too often and being kind for the mere fact of being kind is not taught enough. From a young age, if we do something good or something that is favored we will receive some type of reward. For example if you make good grades in school your parents will do something nice for you like buy you that one item you have always wanted, or take you to that one place you have always wanted to go. When that happens people begin to only do things if a reward is already in place. On the other hand, when someone does something nice for us we question the other person’s motives.We question what the other person wants from us and why. With all of that in mind ask yourself this: How do you treat people who have nothing to offer you in return?

We all say that we should treat others how we want to be treated, but do we ACTUALLY do it? I remember a situation at my Junior College, I was walking to lecture on a windy day when I dropped my folder and my papers flew every which way. There were too many people to count walking where I dropped my folder, and not a single person stopped to help me pick up the scattered papers. I remember feeling so small and insignificant, then anger took a hold of me, I began to question how others would feel if they were in my shoes, I am sure THEY would have appreciated the help. Now just to be clear I did not EXPECT anyone to help me but I could not wrap my head around the fact that out of ALL of the people there not a single soul could spare a few seconds to help the girl on the floor picking up her papers. Everyone may have been rushing to their next lecture or to work, or some other obligation, the heart of the reason no one stopped to help me was because no one could see what there was to gain by helping me, they only saw what they would lose: their time. My time was lost, because I had to pick up  ALL of the papers on my own, if I had a helping hand I would have spent half of the time picking up the papers. Had someone stopped to help me there would have been gains on both sides. I would have had help with my papers as well as a friendly conversation. The other person would have gone the rest of their day with the satisfaction that they helped someone who really needed it and they would have gained a friend in the process.

You shouldn’t need someone to tell you to do something, if you know that you can play a role in a task that requires attention, do it, and don’t expect a round of applause. If you and a room full of lazies are complaining about the awful stench coming from the garbage can, then take the trash OUT! Doesn’t matter who does it, everyone will benefit. You won’t always be handed a nice reward for taking the trash out, sometimes you won’t even get any thank you’s. However, being proactive when no one else is, sets you apart. If you know there is work to be done, give it your best and hope for the best without relying on shiny badges or gifts to validate your hard work. Humble yourself in all that you do because you can’t say that your work is honest and fulfilling if you’re in it for some kind of formal reward. When you do something without expecting anything in return, your true self shines through. On the other hand when you expect someone to do something in return, it will never be good enough because you will have your heart set on something much bigger and better. When you don’t expect anything, EVERY LITTLE THING someone does for you will fill you with gratitude.

Be kind for the main reason that you CAN BE KIND, it takes more energy to be mean to someone anyway. When you feel yourself thinking about what it is you have to GAIN from someone, stop and try to see what it is that you can OFFER to the other person. How can you make THEIR life better? When you are helping someone that has nothing to offer you it shows the person you are. It shows that you are willing to go that extra mile to make someone else's day. Try it some time you will see that it too, will also offer some fulfillment from knowing that you have done something positive for someone else. Break the mentality of “if-you-have-nothing-to-gain-you-are-wasting-your-time,” I hope that you will see that you actually have more to gain than you know: satisfaction, satisfaction of knowing that you were able to help another living being.

~“No one has ever become poor by giving.” ~Anne Frank

When You Point One Finger, There are Always Three Pointing Back!

Play the victim, go ahead, try it. When you point a finger at others, you are too busy concerning yourself with the flaws of others, when you have flaws of your own. You gain nothing from blaming others, you are just trying to shift the blame to someone else. Don’t blame your issues on others, there are so many things that we as individuals can improve on, we should not have time to worry about what is going on with someone else. That constant, “they did this to me,” or “I am like this because..” will not help anyone. No one became rich by crying about how poor they were. There comes a point where you have to stop pitying yourself, and expecting pity from others. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, but you can choose to be the victim and cry, or you can rise above your issues and make the best of the situation. There have been so many times when I have wanted to give up and be the victim because it felt like everyone and everything was working against me. Playing the victim is not beneficial to anyone, it would not have gotten me anywhere. You could sit in the corner and wait for your knight in shining armor to come and save you, or you can make your own armor and save yourself.

We all love a good “underdog” story, because the underdog makes their own armor. These stories give us hope and faith; that we too can make it, and that the world is not that bad. Those “underdog” stories would never happen if the underdog was focusing too much on what’s wrong in their life. You can either focus on all the things going wrong or you can look to what can be done better to overcome all the negatives in your life. Playing the victim only works for a little while. What are you going to do when everyone can see right through that? It may work the first few times, but eventually people will stop responding to your call, just like The Boy Who Cried Wolf. When that time comes you are going to have to get your isht together and pave your own way. No one else can deal with YOUR problems other than you. When you point one finger at someone, what are the other three saying to you? They are asking YOU, what YOU are going to do about it? You have enough energy to blame another, now what’s your plan to do better?

Be independent, do not let what has happened to you in the past define who you are and dictate your future. All you can do is focus on being the best version of yourself, and overcome the obstacles in your path. Wasting your time focusing on negative energy is pointless, it will not get you anywhere. You have to learn not to fixate on the negative and take responsibility for your own situation. So the next time you find yourself pointing the finger, look at the many things that you could do to transform that situation into a fruitful experience. Don’t blame others for something that you have the ability to fix.

Question Everything

Don’t let others have power over you, be informed! Don’t become susceptible to believing what others tell you because YOU are too lazy to go find the information for yourself. There is an infinite amount of information out there, some of it is bullshit and some of it is useful. It can be used to sway people to make important decisions in life such as electing the right officials to office and deciding what life goals to pursue, and the list does not end here. You need to be informed to help make good decisions in life. So don’t take everything you hear at face value, do some research for yourself and be informed as much as possible. In the end there is more good that this will do for you, benefit from your OWN findings. You can be sure that you got the information right at the source instead of trusting that someone else has your interest in mind. When you do the work yourself, you have the power to decide what information is useful to you and the satisfaction of knowing that you went out and got it for yourself.

Voting is one example. Currently there is an extremely important election coming up in my town. Most people I have talked to are questioning the mailers and huge campaign ads that are plastered around town. It’s good to question and doubt what the media is feeding your brain, it’s HIGHLY encouraged. People who are not up to speed with what’s going on in the election have confessed to me that they frankly don’t care one way or the other how the election turns out. This is upsetting to me because, these are the people that complain and nag about how things in our community are nowhere near perfect, and yet they don’t care enough to voice their opinion. They CHOOSE not to vote and they CHOOSE not to care. The reality is that if more people were aware about what is going on in their own communities, they would take it upon themselves to encourage their fellow neighbors to get involved. When the elections are over, people think that they don’t have to do anything until the next election, NO! People need to continue to stay informed so that they know exactly what is going on and see how they can organize to come together and make a difference in the community. This would set the example for future generations. We have to be the change we wish to see so that our descendants know what it takes to change the world around them.

Likewise, people should take it upon themselves to continue to pursue their life goals. It’s not enough to want to be what you wish in terms of your dream career. You need to push through barriers and latch on to what you want for yourself. Don’t let others convince you that it won’t payoff. Prove them wrong, make it work for YOU! Hard work always pays off no matter how long it takes. QUESTION EVERYTHING, Do not leave any stone unturned. This is YOUR life, start living it … take control, because what you decide today will affect you tomorrow. The information is out there, you just need to get up and go find it! :D

In this day and age, we have an abundance of technology at our disposal. People CHOOSE to be ignorant or they CHOOSE to be aware. Dont keep a closed mind. If you want to learn something the best way to find answers is to seek them, and it goes without saying that this won’t happen without a little effort on your part. If someone is telling you one thing and someone else is saying another, who are you going to believe? Question everything; why is this person talking to me now? How do I benefit? How will they benefit? Why are they putting so much emphasis on this? etc. Ask as many questions as you see fit, ask the right questions that will get you to the answers YOU need. Like the post Hareena wrote on Best Interests, everyone is for themselves, we all want what is beneficial for us, even if we don’t realize it.

When you receive information through another person, you’re only getting what THEY want to tell you. However, if you go out and find the information at the source for yourself, you will have the whole picture, which will determine what you find most interesting. My fellow humans, we need to be more aware of our surroundings. Stop for one moment, stop texting, stop doing what you’re doing and open your eyes and ears so that when the time comes, you can open your mouth and voice with what YOU know.  

I've Got A Secret

It’s a nice day out and you’re chatting with a friend when they lean in and say “Can you keep a secret?” This phrase always makes me feel eeekkkk :P I can keep secrets, I know I can, however there are some people that can’t, and I would be careful about who you think you can trust to keep your secrets. Check out our post on Trust → Here. There are different kinds of secrets, family secrets, murder secrets >:) muahaha yes, affair secrets, secret secrets. In my opinion, if someone want’s to keep a secret they should not share it with anyone! >:( I don’t care if you have to tell somebody because there is too much pressure on you in regards to keeping that secret, you keep it! It’s funny when you want to keep something from the rest of the world and the next thing you know, everybody knows your business.

Secrets are risky business, and here is why. Everything is bound to come out in one way or another (except those RARE secrets that die in the grave or crematory, congratulations on those who did, but we’ll never know). When you entrust someone outside of yourself to keep a secret, you are creating a potential bomb, mainly because you don’t know when it will set off. You will be giving that trustee the opportunity to use the information against you, in the form of blackmail and betrayal. The person that knows of the secret has power over you, that is of course if you can trust them, (please read Hareena’s post on friends, a true friend is not easy to find)

What you decide to filter and purposefully keep from others, especially if you know they can benefit from the information says a lot about your intentions. Here’s another point of view on secrets, could they be considered a lie if you say nothing at all? No, it’s not a lie, withholding information is not the same as lying. Lying is when you purposefully make a statement to deceive or mislead somebody else. I went off on the topic of lying in my older post, please read it when you are done with this one.

I want to leave you with this simple quote by Chanakya “The biggest guru-mantra is: never share your secrets with anybody. It will destroy you.”

Much Love,

Edith

Be Picky About Who YOU Call “Friend”

“I would rather have 4 shiny quarters than 100 rusty pennies.” There are more than 7 billion people in the world, and who deserves the honor of being called your friend? You decide! The only way you are ever going to find those 4 quarters is through trial and error. You have to give everyone a chance, then you have to decide what the right decision is for YOU. It’s not hard making friends, but it is hard to say goodbye to the ones you could do without, ok that may be a bit harsh, but its the truth. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the definition of friend is a simple one, a person who helps and supports you.

You cannot be friends with everyone you meet, you have to have the mindset that it is an honor for someone else to call you friend. Everyone is special and everyone has something to offer, and they need to realize that, but not everyone is worthy of your friendship. I know that this may sound a bit selfish but once you read my post on Best Interest you will see my point better. You have to maintain the relationship that is beneficial to you, no one has time for Bullspit. In this case it has to be an emotional benefit and the relationship HAS to go both ways if it is going to last. What do both parties have to gain from this relationship? Life is not about business transactions, but without even thinking about it we make decisions with our own benefits in mind.

If you find yourself questioning a relationship with someone then chances are that the friendship is not worth it. I talked about a friend that I had to cut off in my post on trust, you should not hold something against people if they do not give you a reason to. The lack of trust or betrayal are just a few of the many things that can go wrong in a friendship. There is also a level of respect that friends should always have for one another, but there should also be a balance of fun and jokeyness in the equation.

I have found myself in friendships where I was a wallflower. Back in college I had a friend who would talk endlessly. I could never get in a word because this person was busy telling me their problems that they did not even notice I was trying to say something. I realized that this friendship was doing me more harm than good. After spending a full day with this person and knowing that the amount of words I spoke could be counted on one hand; “hey,” “uh huh,” and “bye.” I had to stop and look at the cost and benefits. The costs were much greater, this person would unload their baggage on me only to make me feel bad for them, while they were making themselves feel better. This friend was emotionally and mentally damaging to me, and I knew that If I ever needed to talk about my problems, this person would not be there for me. So I cut my losses and said goodbye. I do not regret my decision, but I still care for this person and wish them the best.

With all that said and done, if someone is causing you more pain, than good, it is time to say goodbye no matter how hard it will be.

~Ta

Friends With Benefits

Friends with benefits, if it isn’t clear what that means here’s my definition. Basically it's a term that is given to "special friends" from who you benefit. The benefits range from different ends of the spectrum, and the term is most commonly known for the "sexual" end of that benefits spectrum. There are the benefits which often times get overlooked such as emotional support, guidance, and educational etc.. I think we all have friends with benefits and it’s important to have them because they add to our experiences. With that being said, this blog post is about the sexual end of the benefits spectrum.

I also want to add that having friends with benefits (the sexual kinds) is risky business for many reasons. One reason is that there are two kinds of relationships at play here, friends and lovers. When you mix anything together you are bound to have a reaction and who knows if it will be a good one or bad one. I learned from a close friend that this is something you have to talk over with the other person because anything can happen even if you don’t plan for them. Well my friend told me that she and her “friend” tried to establish boundaries on the relationship they had embarked upon. The problem was that she started to fall for him and came to me for advice. I gave her my two cents worth of advice based on my experiences with love, I told her that if she didn’t come clean to him and tell him that she started to have emotional feelings beyond that of their friendship, inadvertently, she would get hurt. She decided she was strong enough to withstand any repercussions that came with the risk. A few months go by and she comes to me and tells me that her ‘friend’ was seeing someone else. The pain she was in was unbearable to stomach. I knew that this was definitely not the time to tell her “I told you so,” so I listened to what she had to tell me and it boiled down to this: She fell hard for him without confessing to him the way she felt. He was under the impression that they were not exclusive since this “friends with benefits” agreement was in place, he presumed his freedom to see other people. You can imagine how the story unfolds from this predicament.

I cringe every time I hear “friends with benefits” because I have had my own experiences of this melodramatic scene and it’s not a fun ride. The best advice I can give is to be careful and always protect your feelings. If you love a friend for who they are and you decide to experiment with the affair to see where it takes you, be prepared for a shit ton of drama. Also, the more people you involve in your business, the more your business will be up for judgement by other people you may not even know (though it shouldn’t matter to anyone but the people involved). Be cautious with your feelings and the feelings of the people around you. Don’t bother risking a good friendship over an adventure you may not be able to handle because if things down the road don’t work, there’s a high possibility that you are going to lose that friend. Stay strong.

Love you, be safe. :)

Best Interests

People are not out to get us, the truth is they probably don’t care.Humans are generally “good” with some exceptions, but when it comes down to it, people tend to put themselves first. There are only a few other Human Beings in this world that genuinely care about us and they include our parents, a few good friends and (hopefully) our significant other. Don’t take things so seriously when people act in a way that hurts, and just remember that like everyone else, we ultimately do what is best for ourselves.

Take for example the relationship between two people, there has to be a synergy so that the relationship can move forward in a positive manner. Both parties have to bring something to the coffee table, so that it is clear what can be gained from one another, it may be the tea, the biscuits, or the sugarcubes. The point is that everyone brings something to the relationship so that we can all benefit from an enjoyable cup of tea.

As a relationship continues there are misunderstandings and actions that are made that can be harmful to one another. But we need to step back and realize that no matter how close the relationship is, people will always do what is best for them. Thinking back to Senior year of high school, when my friends and I were starting to hear back from different universities we all knew that in the back of our heads we were not going to be together no matter how hard we tried. In the end we all went our different ways because all had different goals and we needed to do what we thought was best for us. We were all going to miss one another, but we knew that it was for the better.

I’m not saying that we only think about ourselves, we do consider our options, but we are more likely to choose an outcome that will be beneficial to us in some way or another. So why get mad if someone says or does something upsetting to us, try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and think about what you would do. Life is too short to be mad, just focus on yourself. Try not to take things to heart, the other person is just doing what they feel is right.

~Peace.