Keeping Company or None At All

Why do we feel lonely? Once we understand the reason, that is one step closer to ridding ourselves of that unpleasant feeling. For every person, the root cause of the feeling may be different. One reason we may feel alone is because we are seeking attention from others. When this becomes apparent to us we must stop and search for the “WHY.” Is it because we seek validation? Or maybe we are not comfortable with being by ourselves? Whatever the case may be, we have to come to terms with it and seek the best cure. The best cure for being lonely is… are you ready? … Yup, you guessed it! … BEING ALONE. If you think about it, we are the only thing we actually have! Let me explain; All of the materialistic things and the people in our lives will one day fade, becoming a memory. It is essential that you are comfortable with who you are. You cannot rely on people or things that are external to you for your own well being and peace of mind. Once you figure out the reason, you will not feel lonely because everything you need is within you, and you will no longer need to seek validation from that which is not within.

Entering an intimate relationship because you are lonely, is the worst possible reason you can give for being with someone. When you think you need to be with someone in order to feel complete, there is something more that needs to be explored about yourself. You cannot expect to feel complete with the help of your significant other. If you enter a relationship expecting that the other person is going to make you whole, you’re setting the relationship up for failure. You are expecting them to complete you but in a relationship you never know what to expect. When entering a relationship there is no real guarantee that it will “cure” our loneliness. Loving yourself for who you are and feeling confident about yourself is the cure to loneliness. You will not NEED another person to validate those feelings for you.

There are times in our lives when we need to be alone, and there are other times when we need to surround ourselves with people. However, being around the wrong people can be the worst feeling in the world. Loneliness does not mean you are alone, it is a feeling, no matter what your surroundings are. Sometimes when you are alone, that is when you feel the least lonely because you are free to be yourself and do not require the approval of people around you. It is always nice to have a stimulating conversation with another capable being, but if that conversation takes place with an incapable being or someone who simply who does not give an “F” then tis better to be alone that with that “Debby Downer.” There is nothing wrong with you, however the other person needs to learn not to be so damn RUDE!

When I needed to be in the company of my friends and family, they weren’t there for me. One evening, we were all enjoying one another’s company when I was flat out ignored and neglected. When I was speaking no one put the effort or interest in what I had to say. When I stopped to see how others were responding, I realized that 2 of the people were texting one another back and forth (RUDE!!!). This made me feel unimportant and unappreciated. If these people did not want to spend time with me that is fine but they did not have to drag my self esteem down as well. I would have been fine on my own, at least I would not have have felt ignored. I was more lonely around ALL these people than I would have been if they weren’t there. “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” (-Maya Angelou) Those people made me feel lonely and that is what I will remember, and I know that they are not who I want to be around.

Being alone and feeling lonely are two different things. You can feel lonely in a crowded room, more so, than if you were left alone. Find the reason you feel lonely and figure out why you crave the attention or company from other people to feel whole. No matter HOW you go about solving this unpleasant feeling you have to take the time to look within yourself to find the answer. Seeking comfort from the people or things around you will only cover up the loneliness for a short period, but it will come back to the surface at some point. Loving yourself and understanding WHO you are and what makes you happy will lead you to living a much healthier lifestyle, because your mind will be in harmony with how you are living your day-to-day life. So, make time for yourself, your future self will thank you. ;)

~Thank you <3

Stand on Your Own Two Feet!

Independence, self sufficient, doing things on your own. To me Independence is when you do not need to rely on anyone or anything else to make you happy. In order to have a meaningful relationship you need to move past the issues you have with yourself. You have to be in a healthy relationship with yourself before you can expect to be in a happy relationship with someone else. If you are focusing too much of your attention on someone else, and not working on your inner peace then you will go crazy. The only person you have control over in this world is you, so take control and be independent. You have the power to determine your own outcome. When you enter any relationship, romantic or otherwise, and you are not happy with yourself, you will become dependent, you will look to the other person for validation. Let’s face it, we came into this world alone, and we will leave alone, choosing to be in a relationship is great because you determine who you will spend time with, but relationships are like ships passing in the night, they will fade with distance. So we need to be more than “ok” with being alone.

I am not saying that all relationships are bad, when you enter a relationship at the wrong time and for the wrong reasons, it will have a negative results. Don’t let anyone have the power of controlling your happiness. We did a post a while back about Best Interests it is about how everyone is for themselves, we ultimately care about our own well being. So if you are dependent, you will be the one to get hurt in the end, because the person you are dependent on is not always going to be there for you. So, who IS there for you? Guess what? You will ALWAYS be there for you! You cannot run and hide from yourself.

When it comes to romantic relationships, some level of dependency is required so that you can build trust with one another. But what happens when the other person is no longer there for you to fall back on? If something happens to your significant other, universe forbid, how will you take care of yourself? You should be able to say that you will be ok, but for those who are dependent, can you really say the same? When in a relationship, you should never forget who you are. Just because you are with someone you do not lose your individuality. You will never discover who you really are if your main identity is that you are someone else’s significant other. You are not property to be owned, you are a unique individual, and that is to be celebrated.

You do not want to lose yourself in the blur of the people around you, stand apart and define your own lines, stand out among the blur. Once you have established your individuality, no one and nothing will get in the way of your happiness.

~Be independent. Be yourself.

Be Picky About Who YOU Call “Friend”

“I would rather have 4 shiny quarters than 100 rusty pennies.” There are more than 7 billion people in the world, and who deserves the honor of being called your friend? You decide! The only way you are ever going to find those 4 quarters is through trial and error. You have to give everyone a chance, then you have to decide what the right decision is for YOU. It’s not hard making friends, but it is hard to say goodbye to the ones you could do without, ok that may be a bit harsh, but its the truth. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the definition of friend is a simple one, a person who helps and supports you.

You cannot be friends with everyone you meet, you have to have the mindset that it is an honor for someone else to call you friend. Everyone is special and everyone has something to offer, and they need to realize that, but not everyone is worthy of your friendship. I know that this may sound a bit selfish but once you read my post on Best Interest you will see my point better. You have to maintain the relationship that is beneficial to you, no one has time for Bullspit. In this case it has to be an emotional benefit and the relationship HAS to go both ways if it is going to last. What do both parties have to gain from this relationship? Life is not about business transactions, but without even thinking about it we make decisions with our own benefits in mind.

If you find yourself questioning a relationship with someone then chances are that the friendship is not worth it. I talked about a friend that I had to cut off in my post on trust, you should not hold something against people if they do not give you a reason to. The lack of trust or betrayal are just a few of the many things that can go wrong in a friendship. There is also a level of respect that friends should always have for one another, but there should also be a balance of fun and jokeyness in the equation.

I have found myself in friendships where I was a wallflower. Back in college I had a friend who would talk endlessly. I could never get in a word because this person was busy telling me their problems that they did not even notice I was trying to say something. I realized that this friendship was doing me more harm than good. After spending a full day with this person and knowing that the amount of words I spoke could be counted on one hand; “hey,” “uh huh,” and “bye.” I had to stop and look at the cost and benefits. The costs were much greater, this person would unload their baggage on me only to make me feel bad for them, while they were making themselves feel better. This friend was emotionally and mentally damaging to me, and I knew that If I ever needed to talk about my problems, this person would not be there for me. So I cut my losses and said goodbye. I do not regret my decision, but I still care for this person and wish them the best.

With all that said and done, if someone is causing you more pain, than good, it is time to say goodbye no matter how hard it will be.

~Ta

Freedom to be Independent: Through a Story of Emotional Abuse

Since we are on the topic of freedom I want to address more specifically the freedom to be independent as a necessity for a healthy and stable life.The word freedom itself carries a certain weight, and that weight varies between person to person because the idea of freedom is different for everyone. To me, the freedom to be independant means that you can be whomever you want to be, without holding back and without being apologetic for the things you do. You should always have the ability to take matters into your own hands and do as you please because as a human being you have the right to be YOU, don’t let anyone take it away.The moment you don’t have control over your life, someone or something is ruling it, and that is a form of captivity.

In this blog I want to share something that not a lot of people know about me in particular. A long time ago I used to date a guy whom I thought was the only thing missing in my life, I was young and didn’t know better. I thought he would be the prince charming that came with every fairy tale; sweet, smart, kind and everything I dreamt of. Well, he was, for a while, but then after a few months he changed and became a completely different person or I should say, his true colors were showing. He would call my house asking for me, and if I was asleep he would demand that I be woken up only to tell me that I was wasting my time and sleeping my life away. I appreciated that he was concerned for my time management and life management, but I was not okay with the way in which he showed his concern by belittling everything I did. He became very possessive and jealous. Naturally, I started to feel restrained and intimidated by his attitude and episodes of rage and discontent. There were moments where I thought I wasn’t good enough because my way of life was not up to par with his standards, leading me to fully believe that I wasn’t good enough as a person.

I started to dissect our relationship for my own understanding because I was still unsure of how we grew apart so fast. Finally I gave up trying to make things work. I realized that I didn’t deserve to be treated the way he treated me, this realization came with pain and frustration. I fled from that chapter in my life as fast as I could, I knew that if I let him continue to treat me the way he did I would not be in control of my life. The onset of his controlling personality was very real. I was trapped and I felt that every effort I made to be ME was dragged through a war zone with no way out. I didn’t know how important MY freedom to be independent was, until I was no longer in control of my life. Needless to say, that guy is out of my life and I’m out of his reach. He no longer has power over me because I know I’m worth it and I don’t need him to give me an approval for the things I do.

When you sense that you are not free in your environment, figure out what is tampering with your freedom and stop feeding it or them the power to rule over you. This life you have is entirely yours to choose what you want for yourself. Be careful of your freedom to be independent and don’t let anyone mess with it.

Best Wishes.

Best Interests

People are not out to get us, the truth is they probably don’t care.Humans are generally “good” with some exceptions, but when it comes down to it, people tend to put themselves first. There are only a few other Human Beings in this world that genuinely care about us and they include our parents, a few good friends and (hopefully) our significant other. Don’t take things so seriously when people act in a way that hurts, and just remember that like everyone else, we ultimately do what is best for ourselves.

Take for example the relationship between two people, there has to be a synergy so that the relationship can move forward in a positive manner. Both parties have to bring something to the coffee table, so that it is clear what can be gained from one another, it may be the tea, the biscuits, or the sugarcubes. The point is that everyone brings something to the relationship so that we can all benefit from an enjoyable cup of tea.

As a relationship continues there are misunderstandings and actions that are made that can be harmful to one another. But we need to step back and realize that no matter how close the relationship is, people will always do what is best for them. Thinking back to Senior year of high school, when my friends and I were starting to hear back from different universities we all knew that in the back of our heads we were not going to be together no matter how hard we tried. In the end we all went our different ways because all had different goals and we needed to do what we thought was best for us. We were all going to miss one another, but we knew that it was for the better.

I’m not saying that we only think about ourselves, we do consider our options, but we are more likely to choose an outcome that will be beneficial to us in some way or another. So why get mad if someone says or does something upsetting to us, try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and think about what you would do. Life is too short to be mad, just focus on yourself. Try not to take things to heart, the other person is just doing what they feel is right.

~Peace.