Unconditional Kindness

Every once in a while it is nice to receive recognition for your hard work, but it is especially nice when you receive something without even expecting it. There have been countless times where I have witness someone doing something and they EXPECT a reward for doing whatever it is that they did. We live in a culture where positive reinforcement is used too often and being kind for the mere fact of being kind is not taught enough. From a young age, if we do something good or something that is favored we will receive some type of reward. For example if you make good grades in school your parents will do something nice for you like buy you that one item you have always wanted, or take you to that one place you have always wanted to go. When that happens people begin to only do things if a reward is already in place. On the other hand, when someone does something nice for us we question the other person’s motives.We question what the other person wants from us and why. With all of that in mind ask yourself this: How do you treat people who have nothing to offer you in return?

We all say that we should treat others how we want to be treated, but do we ACTUALLY do it? I remember a situation at my Junior College, I was walking to lecture on a windy day when I dropped my folder and my papers flew every which way. There were too many people to count walking where I dropped my folder, and not a single person stopped to help me pick up the scattered papers. I remember feeling so small and insignificant, then anger took a hold of me, I began to question how others would feel if they were in my shoes, I am sure THEY would have appreciated the help. Now just to be clear I did not EXPECT anyone to help me but I could not wrap my head around the fact that out of ALL of the people there not a single soul could spare a few seconds to help the girl on the floor picking up her papers. Everyone may have been rushing to their next lecture or to work, or some other obligation, the heart of the reason no one stopped to help me was because no one could see what there was to gain by helping me, they only saw what they would lose: their time. My time was lost, because I had to pick up  ALL of the papers on my own, if I had a helping hand I would have spent half of the time picking up the papers. Had someone stopped to help me there would have been gains on both sides. I would have had help with my papers as well as a friendly conversation. The other person would have gone the rest of their day with the satisfaction that they helped someone who really needed it and they would have gained a friend in the process.

You shouldn’t need someone to tell you to do something, if you know that you can play a role in a task that requires attention, do it, and don’t expect a round of applause. If you and a room full of lazies are complaining about the awful stench coming from the garbage can, then take the trash OUT! Doesn’t matter who does it, everyone will benefit. You won’t always be handed a nice reward for taking the trash out, sometimes you won’t even get any thank you’s. However, being proactive when no one else is, sets you apart. If you know there is work to be done, give it your best and hope for the best without relying on shiny badges or gifts to validate your hard work. Humble yourself in all that you do because you can’t say that your work is honest and fulfilling if you’re in it for some kind of formal reward. When you do something without expecting anything in return, your true self shines through. On the other hand when you expect someone to do something in return, it will never be good enough because you will have your heart set on something much bigger and better. When you don’t expect anything, EVERY LITTLE THING someone does for you will fill you with gratitude.

Be kind for the main reason that you CAN BE KIND, it takes more energy to be mean to someone anyway. When you feel yourself thinking about what it is you have to GAIN from someone, stop and try to see what it is that you can OFFER to the other person. How can you make THEIR life better? When you are helping someone that has nothing to offer you it shows the person you are. It shows that you are willing to go that extra mile to make someone else's day. Try it some time you will see that it too, will also offer some fulfillment from knowing that you have done something positive for someone else. Break the mentality of “if-you-have-nothing-to-gain-you-are-wasting-your-time,” I hope that you will see that you actually have more to gain than you know: satisfaction, satisfaction of knowing that you were able to help another living being.

~“No one has ever become poor by giving.” ~Anne Frank

My Friend: The Living Martyr

If you don't know what a martyr is, Merriam Webster says that it is a person who suffers constantly. Now, I know I’m probably far fetched from the original definition but the word that would more closely describe this friend of mine. There are many different kinds of people, who fall into the spectrum between those who are selfish to the bone and people who think of everything but themselves. I consider the selfless people to have characteristics of martyrs. They go through so much pain and suffer through some messed up situations for others. Usually they bear the suffering for the people they consider loved ones. Although, in some cases, the people they suffer for aren’t even worth it, in my opinion. I arrive to this conclusion from my own observations where the person they suffer for does not put in the same amount of effort into the relationship. However, the selfless being believes their commitment to the relationship is worth it. I just wish I could slap some sense into them but I also find myself in that situation at times so I know exactly what it’s like. Everyone is different, all I know is that I have to respect their wishes as I hope they do mine.

The purpose of this post is to shed light on the folks who give it all and expect nothing in return. While this is the highest form of humility in my opinion, it’s easy for many to overlook the acts of selflessness, and that’s unfortunate. There is nothing wrong with standing up for what you believe is important, despite the consequences. However, I feel there is a point in time where the line needs to be drawn. The selfless person needs to figure out for themselves where that line gets placed. Hopefully they can realize when the people they support unconditionally do not meet those same standards in return. Know your limits and come to terms when you see that the other person doesn’t appreciate your commitment. They don’t see the value in all you do for them, so why waste your time if you’re getting nothing in return? Don’t forget that you are also important and deserve to be around those who appreciate you to the same extent. It’s completely fine to be a little selfish every once in a while. In making others happy you should remember that you need to come first. When you go to bed, you’re left with your own thoughts naturally you are  alone so you need to love yourself unconditionally. Ernest Hemingway once said, “The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.”

It’s great if you go out of your way to make others happy but you must not forget that you are also very important. You should always take care of yourself first if you want to help others. You can’t expect to patch someone up if you’re hurt as well. And you must always remember that you should spend your precious time on those who are worth it, i.e. those who will equally go out of their way for you as you do for them. Treat others as you wish to be treated.

Gender Neutral

Gender roles today are slowly changing, but not fast enough. For the longest time, women and men have been assigned different roles that set the precedent for society’s expectations of them. And these separations create an unequal, biased spectrum of what is socially acceptable of either sex. our social construction of assigned gender roles can be traced back to the moment we are born and it shapes our mentalities for the rest of our days. The only way to change the mold society has put us in, is to break it and make a new one.

It starts at a young age. Parents’ roles in the home are an important piece in how their children interpret what is socially expected of them based on their gender. For example, in a nuclear family if the father takes on the role as the “bread winner” and the mother takes on the role as the “homemaker,” a son will believe that it is his responsibility to provide for his family when he grows up. The same goes for a daughter in the exact same setting, she will believe that she has to take on her mother’s responsibilities in the future. Now, I know that this is not true for EVERY situation, but parents influence the roles of each sex, and it all starts in the home.

We establish gender roles even before birth, from first determining the sex of the baby, to then planning a baby shower, then preparing the child’s room … the funny thing is ... we have not even met the pre-born yet, so how do we know what they would want in their room? These standards are also reinforced once the child begins to go to school. Instead of shaping their lives for them and coloring their lenses in pink or blue, we should be conscious about how we manipulate the child’s environment. We need to find ways to NOT influence our children's decisions based on gender specific expectations that WE’VE been raised with. By doing so, we can begin to start breaking the mold.

However the the media will always perpetuate these assigned roles by having commercials that show little girls playing with barbies and little boys playing with remote controlled cars. It is our job to not let those images shape what our children think is socially correct when it comes to the toys they play with. I remember when I was very young, during my birthday or Christmas, people who didn’t know me very well would get me gender specific toys that were meant for girls. The toys I got were barbie dolls, makeup kits, a play set that simulated a kitchen, it EVEN came with miniature plastic pots, pans, cooking utensils all the homemaker galore!!!.... yay… Those toys were atrocious, they represent conformity and I was  born a REBEL >:) … hence this blog post. The people who bought  those toys for me were influenced by the images in the media and they assumed that I would like these toys simply because I happen to be a girl. They didn’t even know my personality. DO NOT make the assumption that just because I’m a woman I will be cooking a man’s dinner, cleaning HIS home, raising the children that have HIS last name … well now that my spontaneous rant is over … My point is, we need to move past these pre-assigned gender roles and set a new model that will allow everyone to be themselves without the pressures that society imposes on what we SHOULD play with.

So the main idea I want you all to take from this post is to analyze how you influence specific roles in society. What are you doing that conforms to the rest? What fairytales are you telling your princess? What legends are you telling your knight before bed? Like I mentioned in my previous post, children will absorb whatever you expose their minds to. Use this as an opportunity to break the mold we have been baked into by an EZ Bake Oven. “Children must be taught HOW to think, not WHAT to think”- Margaret Mead

MAKEUP… Good? Bad?

I’m sick and tired of people making judgments about others who wear makeup ... like its a bad thing. “That’s too much makeup!” they’ll say, “that’s not enough makeup!” “She/he looks like a confused monkey!” Personally I don’t wear a lot of makeup but, I want to stand in support of those of you who do wear it. Everyone has their reasons for wearing makeup and that could be anywhere between wanting to enhance the features of their face to hiding blemishes that may result in insecurities. Some just want to have fun, and wearing makeup is a way to express themselves, it’s an art form. No one can constitute just how much is too much or too little, because everyone's opinion is different. First of all, you have no clue why they are wearing it to begin with, they could have deeply rooted self esteem issues. Secondly, why do you care? Are they hurting you by wearing makeup? Lastly, how much of your opinions are based from what you see in the media?  If somebody feels good in the amount of makeup they choose to wear, that’s nobody’s business but their own. Unless someone is asking for YOUR opinion, keep your judgments at bay.

I understand that in different cultures, wearing makeup comes with a number of different stigmas. For instance, if the older folks in my culture were to see me wearing makeup, they would instantly label me as being promiscuous. Depending on what I’m wearing they would even go as far as to say “Take that shit off your face and put some clothes on, you look like a prostitute, is that what you want people to think you are!?" My clothes and my makeup shouldn't make viable statements about my persona no matter if first impressions are inevitable. Ultimately, lets not forget that my actions speak for me, not my makeup nor the type of my clothes I’m wearing. It is not right to judge what you don’t know. What we make of others is a reflection of what we see in ourselves because we base our judgements on personal experience. We as a people need to step back and see how WE would feel in the other person’s shoes. Be empathetic. There is a reason for everything, take the time to find out what that reason is.

Whether or not we agree, the media shapes our thoughts, and feeds our judgments. Everyday some pretty girl in an advertisement is trying to tell me what is beautiful, and thus my impressions of others are judged by these standards. I then begin to expect to see others living by those same ideals portrayed by the media. So, how much of your ideas are really YOUR’S? What is the media feeding you? THINK about it! I challenge you. The media only works as a vessel to make profit, they don’t care about you  … they want to TELL you WHAT to believe so you will shower them with money. This is where we fudge up, we shouldn't buy into these unrealistic expectations of beauty because everyone is unique in their own beautiful way. Use that that thing in your skull to see beneath the surface.

The next time you think someone is wearing too much make up or too little, STOP and think why they may be wearing it. Is it because that is what society expects? Or, is it because they are insecure about themselves? Or is it simply to express themselves? Is it hurting you? … No?...Then why do you care? Whatever it is, keep your comments to yourself. If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything.

Peace and Love,

Edith