Freedom to be Independent: Through a Story of Emotional Abuse

Since we are on the topic of freedom I want to address more specifically the freedom to be independent as a necessity for a healthy and stable life.The word freedom itself carries a certain weight, and that weight varies between person to person because the idea of freedom is different for everyone. To me, the freedom to be independant means that you can be whomever you want to be, without holding back and without being apologetic for the things you do. You should always have the ability to take matters into your own hands and do as you please because as a human being you have the right to be YOU, don’t let anyone take it away.The moment you don’t have control over your life, someone or something is ruling it, and that is a form of captivity.

In this blog I want to share something that not a lot of people know about me in particular. A long time ago I used to date a guy whom I thought was the only thing missing in my life, I was young and didn’t know better. I thought he would be the prince charming that came with every fairy tale; sweet, smart, kind and everything I dreamt of. Well, he was, for a while, but then after a few months he changed and became a completely different person or I should say, his true colors were showing. He would call my house asking for me, and if I was asleep he would demand that I be woken up only to tell me that I was wasting my time and sleeping my life away. I appreciated that he was concerned for my time management and life management, but I was not okay with the way in which he showed his concern by belittling everything I did. He became very possessive and jealous. Naturally, I started to feel restrained and intimidated by his attitude and episodes of rage and discontent. There were moments where I thought I wasn’t good enough because my way of life was not up to par with his standards, leading me to fully believe that I wasn’t good enough as a person.

I started to dissect our relationship for my own understanding because I was still unsure of how we grew apart so fast. Finally I gave up trying to make things work. I realized that I didn’t deserve to be treated the way he treated me, this realization came with pain and frustration. I fled from that chapter in my life as fast as I could, I knew that if I let him continue to treat me the way he did I would not be in control of my life. The onset of his controlling personality was very real. I was trapped and I felt that every effort I made to be ME was dragged through a war zone with no way out. I didn’t know how important MY freedom to be independent was, until I was no longer in control of my life. Needless to say, that guy is out of my life and I’m out of his reach. He no longer has power over me because I know I’m worth it and I don’t need him to give me an approval for the things I do.

When you sense that you are not free in your environment, figure out what is tampering with your freedom and stop feeding it or them the power to rule over you. This life you have is entirely yours to choose what you want for yourself. Be careful of your freedom to be independent and don’t let anyone mess with it.

Best Wishes.

Trust

Have you ever told anyone something in confidence, and the next thing you know everyone and they momma knows? Well my trust was broken recently, and after I found out I was angry. How could this person do this to me? But I soon realized that this is what happens when you trust someone, it’s risky. You cannot control what other people say or do, you just have to have faith that the person you trusted has enough respect for you to not tell others about your business.

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, trust is defined as the belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, etc.. The key word that I would like to zone in on is “belief.” Just because we made the judgement that someone can be trusted does not mean that it is true. As a result, the only person that you can trust is yourself because you are the only one in control of your actions. I feel that I should be mad at is myself. I believed that this person was trustworthy. I made the wrong judgment and I was the one to get hurt in the end.

Looking back at this experience I have a better grasp on what trust is. I know that I cannot control what other people say or do, and I cannot go back in time and stop myself from telling this person, because at the time this is exactly what I wanted to do. As for that person, I now know I cannot tell them anything anymore, they did not have enough respect for me to keep this conversation between the two of us. They will never know I found out that they betrayed me, they will never know because this person is simply not worth my breath.

With that being said learning to trust someone is important in any relationship if it is meant to last, but it takes a long time to get to the point where people can trust one another. When you say that you trust someone it says many things about the other person’s character. Just knowing that you can trust someone says that you are familiar with their values and you know that this person would never do anything that would hurt you. As the writer George MacDonald said, “to be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.”

~Love is hard to come by, but trust is harder

Freedom: Mind Over Matter

I was having a conversation with a good friend from college, and it had me thinking for a while about my life. They asked me “Do you still live with your parents?” I responded, “Yes, I do.” After I got off the phone with my friend I began to think; “I am not really on my own.” When I was in college, I lived on my own and I had the freedom to do as I pleased. Now that I moved back home with my parents it’s much harder to do whatever I want. As much as I’d like to think that I’m an adult who can fend for myself, I still have to abide by the rules of my parents which limits my freedom.

There are times where I feel trapped in my own home. I can’t stay out as long as I please or stay the night at a friend’s place without getting into an extensively pointless argument with my parents, whereas when I was in college I had the freedom to do so. In the past I have dealt with this in different ways, one way would entail me doing whatever I please and pissing off my mom and dad, (yes, I am rebellious). I would come home and get berated over three hours and still get shit for my “behavior” throughout the rest of the day, week, month or even the rest of the year…(yeah not even kidding you). Anyways, the other way to “deal” with the situation is to avoid confrontation altogether or choose to back down and keep my parents happy. The word deal is in quotations because it’s not really “dealing” with the issue it’s simply choosing to avoid it in order to diffuse any altercation at the cost of my freedom. I have tried both methods and both have left either party unsatisfied.

My freedom suffers when the best interests of others get in the way of mine. In this case I’m looking out for my parents, I love to see them happy and if it means that I stay indoors because they feel I will be safe, I’ll do it. However, it hurts me socially because this takes a toll on my relationships outside the home. To me, it’s worth it because I want them to be happy as much as possible. When you love someone you sacrifice things for them and they have sacrificed being overprotective at times to respect me as an adult.

The only true freedom I have is in my thoughts and in my dreams, no one can restrain me in my own thoughts, I’m in control. Thinking the undoable and imagining the unreal is when I am free to apply my thoughts to something more tangible. I know there will be a time where eventually my actions will speak for me and not my parents. My parents influence my life right now but maybe in the future my freedom will be restrained by another variable for example, my marriage partner, children, or work. Freedom is an illusion, it all depends on how you look at it and what restrains it. Just make sure that if you sacrifice something it is worth it.

Love and peace,

Edith

Words Whisper, Actions Shout

You do not need words to get a message across. There is a language that is understood across cultures, and that is the language of actions. There have been many times in my life where I have believed someone’s words, but I only get hurt in the end because they do not follow through. Putting too much faith in someone's words can have negative consequences, they could fail to keep their word leaving me only to be disappointed, on the other hand the effort behind doing something for me shows that they are emotionally invested in me as an individual.

The words “I care about you” mean absolutely nothing if the other person doesn’t show it. If you truly care about someone then you need to be able to show the other person so they know it. In this situation it is not important what you say to the person but what IS important is how you make the person feel. Have you made an effort to make this person feel cared for? Simply making an effort to hang out with that person will do the trick.

Where words may whisper, actions will shout. Forming words and saying them does not take much effort, but going out and doing something takes time and effort. For instance, buying flowers for your significant other, yea I agree the flowers will die one day, but it’s the thought that stands out. You could simply tell your significant other that you missed them while you were at work, but if you bring a bouquet of flowers home unexpectedly, it tells your significant other that you have been thinking about them all day, this would get you some serious brownie points my friend! Every time your significant other looks at the flowers or smells them they will be thinking about you, and they too will return the effort.

At the end of the day it only matters how you make the other person feel.

~Peace out.

Between the Liars and Their Lies

Why do people lie? What is a lie? A lie is basically an intentional false statement. There are different types of lies that one could research on the net. The type of lie that I think is most common is the one that covers something up, a secret. I have heard of the “white lie” where supposedly the lie protects the well being of an individual. There may be other forms of using a lie but the bottom line is that a lie is a lie. I’ll admit to lying at different points in my life and I’m not happy about doing that but I will fully admit to it.

I don’t want to justify lying period, I’m just explaining the difference between the functionality of these lies so I can introduce the lie I call the pointless lie. The pointless lie is the one that is told with no reasoning behind it. In my experience dealing with people who lie, do it out of boredom to see what they can stir up. Hypothetically, if you and I are the only ones in the kitchen and you ask me “Did you finish the dish soap, Edith?” after I have just washed the dishes, and I say “No” (not being sarcastic). Given that I used dish soap for dish washing, I clearly just lied to your face! How would that make you feel? Personally, I’d be pissed off because the other person is challenging my intelligence. This gets me mad because in this situation there is no bad consequence for telling the truth, so why lie?

Lying in general will not get you very far because sooner or later the truth is bound to come out somewhere. Like Twain said “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” People who lie have to keep track of the lies they say and they wouldn’t have to keep lying if the truth was there to begin with. Every time you think about telling a white lie think about how you would feel if you were the person being lied to, wouldn’t you prefer your friends to be honest with you? Once you find out the truth your relationship won’t be the same, you wouldn’t be able to trust that person anymore and you could lose the people you love.

The next time you feel compelled to protect someone by telling a white lie, or just lie in general, think about the future effort you have to make to cover up the lies. It’s best to tell the truth even if it hurts and hope that the other person values your honesty, it will also be beneficial to you because your conscience will be clear.

Thanks for listening, happy Monday :)

We are All Going to DIE.

If there is one thing in life that is a guarantee it is death. No one knows what is going to happen after we are born, the promise of tomorrow is a lie. We all know that one day, it may be sooner or later, but we will all die. It doesn't matter when or how we die or where we end up afterward, what really matters is how we live and how we live is the only thing in our control.

I heard this analogy once that compared our life to a book.The two things that we know about a  book before we even read it, is that the book has a beginning and an ending, similar to our lives we only know about birth and death, but we don't know the story. My question is why do we fear death? We already know that it is a sure thing, we will all die one day, so why waste our time fearing something that we cannot escape?

Our days are numbered. We need to live our lives so that we never take anything for granted. There is no time for emotions such as; regret, anger, fear, jealousy, etc. focus on the positive, and be happy. I realize that this is easier said than done, but when you find yourself in a compromising position, just think about who you want to be and how you want to live your life. There is NO reason why you should be unhappy. Pick up that book you have always wanted to read, go workout, stop putting things off. Life is short, focus your energy on something positive.

Friends With Benefits

Friends with benefits, if it isn’t clear what that means here’s my definition. Basically it's a term that is given to "special friends" from who you benefit. The benefits range from different ends of the spectrum, and the term is most commonly known for the "sexual" end of that benefits spectrum. There are the benefits which often times get overlooked such as emotional support, guidance, and educational etc.. I think we all have friends with benefits and it’s important to have them because they add to our experiences. With that being said, this blog post is about the sexual end of the benefits spectrum.

I also want to add that having friends with benefits (the sexual kinds) is risky business for many reasons. One reason is that there are two kinds of relationships at play here, friends and lovers. When you mix anything together you are bound to have a reaction and who knows if it will be a good one or bad one. I learned from a close friend that this is something you have to talk over with the other person because anything can happen even if you don’t plan for them. Well my friend told me that she and her “friend” tried to establish boundaries on the relationship they had embarked upon. The problem was that she started to fall for him and came to me for advice. I gave her my two cents worth of advice based on my experiences with love, I told her that if she didn’t come clean to him and tell him that she started to have emotional feelings beyond that of their friendship, inadvertently, she would get hurt. She decided she was strong enough to withstand any repercussions that came with the risk. A few months go by and she comes to me and tells me that her ‘friend’ was seeing someone else. The pain she was in was unbearable to stomach. I knew that this was definitely not the time to tell her “I told you so,” so I listened to what she had to tell me and it boiled down to this: She fell hard for him without confessing to him the way she felt. He was under the impression that they were not exclusive since this “friends with benefits” agreement was in place, he presumed his freedom to see other people. You can imagine how the story unfolds from this predicament.

I cringe every time I hear “friends with benefits” because I have had my own experiences of this melodramatic scene and it’s not a fun ride. The best advice I can give is to be careful and always protect your feelings. If you love a friend for who they are and you decide to experiment with the affair to see where it takes you, be prepared for a shit ton of drama. Also, the more people you involve in your business, the more your business will be up for judgement by other people you may not even know (though it shouldn’t matter to anyone but the people involved). Be cautious with your feelings and the feelings of the people around you. Don’t bother risking a good friendship over an adventure you may not be able to handle because if things down the road don’t work, there’s a high possibility that you are going to lose that friend. Stay strong.

Love you, be safe. :)

Best Interests

People are not out to get us, the truth is they probably don’t care.Humans are generally “good” with some exceptions, but when it comes down to it, people tend to put themselves first. There are only a few other Human Beings in this world that genuinely care about us and they include our parents, a few good friends and (hopefully) our significant other. Don’t take things so seriously when people act in a way that hurts, and just remember that like everyone else, we ultimately do what is best for ourselves.

Take for example the relationship between two people, there has to be a synergy so that the relationship can move forward in a positive manner. Both parties have to bring something to the coffee table, so that it is clear what can be gained from one another, it may be the tea, the biscuits, or the sugarcubes. The point is that everyone brings something to the relationship so that we can all benefit from an enjoyable cup of tea.

As a relationship continues there are misunderstandings and actions that are made that can be harmful to one another. But we need to step back and realize that no matter how close the relationship is, people will always do what is best for them. Thinking back to Senior year of high school, when my friends and I were starting to hear back from different universities we all knew that in the back of our heads we were not going to be together no matter how hard we tried. In the end we all went our different ways because all had different goals and we needed to do what we thought was best for us. We were all going to miss one another, but we knew that it was for the better.

I’m not saying that we only think about ourselves, we do consider our options, but we are more likely to choose an outcome that will be beneficial to us in some way or another. So why get mad if someone says or does something upsetting to us, try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and think about what you would do. Life is too short to be mad, just focus on yourself. Try not to take things to heart, the other person is just doing what they feel is right.

~Peace.

REGRETS

Don't dwell on regrets. Sometimes we regret what we do or say, and we dwell on those experiences longer than we should. In my experience, I wasted time and energy regretting a lot of things that I have and haven't done and I wound up in a downward spiral of self destruction. Self destruction sucks because the damage is coming from my own will power and most if the time I'm the only that can help myself out. I try to my best to not be so hard on myself, and I try to look at what I can learn from that experience. Of course, I have friends that I can count on to be there when I need them the most, but ultimately it’s up to me to get past that regret and I can’t be helped if I’m not ready to open up about my past.

Actions have consequences, that is a given. I have come to accept the good, the bad as well as my mistakes because they have sculpted the person I am today. I am at peace with the person I have become.

I believe that everyone is a reflection of their past and that everything happens for a reason, so to sit there and regret anything for too long would be futile. I'm not saying you don't have control over your path in life but the past is the past and unless you have a time machine you can't do anything to change it. However, you have to come to terms with regretful scenarios and take the positives so you can learn from them. It’s ok to think about your mistakes but don’t dwell on them because there is plenty of good that comes out of any situation and deserves more of your focus.

If it weren’t for regrets you wouldn’t have the opportunity to reflect and learn from your mistakes. What if you went through life without any regrets? how would you be able to develop as a person? That would indicate perfection and thats just ridiculous. Part of being human is reconstructing oneself and learning constantly. So stop dwelling and start developing, you are only human.

Peace out babes ;-*