Try, Try Again and NEVER Say, “I Can’t”

“I can’t.” These are the words I heard out of my student’s mouth as she was looking for a word in the dictionary. She did not say it once, not twice, but she said it three times. I could not understand why those two little words, “I can’t,” irked me so much. I was not going to let her give up so easily. Every single word is in the dictionary, she just needed to look harder, and no matter how long it was going to take her, I was going to keep pushing her until she got it on her own. As she was looking I tried to figure out why hearing her say, “I can’t” bugged me so much, then it occurred to me that I was taught NEVER to say those two little words. Those two words set you up to fail, if you THINK you cannot do something then you will not, it is that simple.

When I was in the second grade (about the same age as my student) my teacher, Mrs. Tanner, made us say, “Try, try again and NEVER say, ‘I can’t,’” every single morning ritualistically. As the school year went on, I began to say these words with more and more confidence. However, I still did not fully understand the power and meaning those words carried, or how they have shaped the person I have become. I was a bright-eyed second grader and I did not know what the world had in store for me. Because Mrs. Tanner drilled me not to say, “I can’t,” it never really occurred to me how damaging the words really are, and to a great extent a lot of my success is because she taught me to believe in myself. Whatever I set my mind to, I know that I can accomplish it. Many years in the making the light bulb finally went off and I have Mrs. Tanner to thank for that. That moment, with my student was a realization for me, I FINALLY realized what Mrs. Tanner was trying to teach me all of those years ago.   

Whenever I feel like I cannot do something or feel I like complaining about things, I always say to myself, “mind over matter.” Our problems and obstacles are only as big as we make them. The words “I can’t” disable you mentally, your mind believes that you cannot do something and if your mind believes it, it will be harder to achieve that task. Thinking these words stop you from even trying, it sets you up for failure before you even begin. When you say that you CAN do something, that is one step closer to actually accomplishing the task at hand. If for whatever reason you did not complete the task, then you can walk away knowing that you have done everything that you could. If you believe that you cannot do something from the beginning, then there really is not a point in trying any further. You can set yourself up for success or you can sit on your A$$ and let things blow up in your face … It’s your choice.

I told my student the story of my second grade teacher, and as I was doing so, I hope that she will one day understand the value of, “Try, Try again and never say ‘I can’t.’” One day I too hope that I will have the same impact on all of my students as Mrs. Tanner had on me. As time goes by, I hope that my students will one day remember me and the lessons that I thought them. If Mrs. Tanner is still out there I hope that I will be able to share this story with her, so she can know the impact she had on me as well as all of the other students she touched. Going through life is not about what we cannot do, but it is about what we set our minds to and accomplish. I hope that by writing this article the wise words of Mrs. Tanner will continue to impact others.

~Say, “I can’t” one mo’ time … and watch whaz gon happen!  

Happiness From Within

Are you happy? What makes you happy? Is it the big things or small things? Or perhaps they are not things at all, but moments. Moments with the ones that you love. Happiness is defined as the state of being happy, and happy is defined as feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. Both of these definitions are set in the present tense, the NOW. However, people often times think about their happiness as something to be achieved in the future, “If I do this I will be happy.” I too am guilty of this. I find myself saying that once I reach a goal I will be happy, but the truth is once I reach that goal there will be another goal to chase. We will never be happy if we are stuck chasing that happiness. Happiness is something to be felt in the present moment.

There are lots of people in my life who I would like to see happy, but their happiness is not the center of my happiness. I know people that weight their happiness heavily on that of others, but you cannot control if another person is happy. There are many other factors in people’s lives that we do not have knowledge or control over. We all have our own idea of what happiness looks and feels like, so whatever makes us feel good is not the same thing for another person. Happiness is relative not universal, it is not a “one size fits all” type of deal. Everyone’s mind arrives at the idea is happiness differently. What makes me happy is not necessarily the same thing for you. Happiness is so simple yet we make it complex. I love how Aristotle put it, “Happiness depends upon ourselves.” WE have the power to be happy or not, Happiness is a choice and we must CHOOSE to wake up every morning and be happy.

I have always said that you should do whatever makes you happy, but this statement is not entirely true. One should do what makes them happy, as long as they do not bring harm to those around them. A lot of our own happiness is a direct result from the environment that we come from. So if the people in your life are not happy then you are not, you too are being exposed to their unhappiness. Chances are that the people you keep in your life are people you care about, and you show compassion toward these people. Your actions or the lack there of will always affect those around you whether you intend to or not. I have been around so many people that do what is right for them, but they do not stop to think about how their actions will affect the people they love. While they themselves have a favorable outcome, they do not take into account how it will affect others around them. If the people in your life are negatively affected by a decision that YOU have made, this will affect YOUR level of happiness, and lets face it, moods are contagious, so what do you want in your life? I am not saying that you should completely sacrifice your happiness for that of those around you, that is counterproductive, but you do need to weigh your options and ask yourself if the outcome is favorable for everyone. You have to be an active participant when it comes to your own happiness, do not just idly stand there waiting for something to happen, you have to make life happen and take charge. The Dalai Lama once said, “Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” You have to make sure that your actions do not bring harm to the ones you love, because their happiness is connected to your’s.

For many people losing weight is tied to their happiness, but guess what? If we never learn to accept ourselves the way we are, we will never be skinny enough. People have a misconception of how to gain happiness, it is a state of mind. Losing weight is external, and being genuinely happy comes from within. You have to learn to be happy with the skin you are in, and realize that what we LOOK like on the outside is not the same as how we feel on the inside. Happiness is something that we feel, and we arrive at the feeling through our mind set. Ever hear of “mind over matter?” Well happiness is the same concept. Objects outside of us do not get to decide what happiness is, our minds have to arrive at that conclusion all on its own. Our minds are more powerful than we give them credit for. It is important to work towards a realistic goal, but all that work will have been for not if you do not know how to love yourself today. Imagine waking up every morning being happy and loving the skin you are in, and being grateful to live another day. You will one day accomplish that weight goal, but imagine the level of satisfaction you will achieve if you feel good while you are working toward that goal. You may even reach that goal faster. Mahatma Gandhi said, “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” When you are working toward a goal and you want to reach it with every fiber of your being, every little progress will make you feel happy causing all of the pieces to naturally fall into place.

I know you must be thinking that is easier said than done … which is true, but there is no way you can change your mindset in the snap of a finger. It will take time and you will have to work hard at it. You have to make it a point to be happy NOW. There are techniques that you can learn to train your mind to become what you want it to be. In his TED talk, Matthieu Ricard, talks about “The Habits of Happiness.” Ricard mentions that there are studies that have been done in regards to happiness, and they have found that the same parts of the brain are active when a person is expressing kindness and compassion. Expressing kindness and compassion is key when it comes to being happy, knowing that you have had a positive impact on someone else’s life will make you feel fulfilled. Furthermore, not expecting or seeking a reward in return for being kind and compassionate, leads to a deep feeling of serenity and satisfaction. Being a better person goes hand-in-hand with your level of happiness, almost everything we do is dependent on our own happiness or the happiness of the people we care for in our lives the most. Ricard also talks about the Buddhist view of happiness as being the same as “well being,” it is not just a “pleasurable sensation” as defined above, it is a deep sense of serenity and fulfillment. This concept takes the idea of happiness to another level. Happiness then has a sense of peacefulness, longevity, and is infinite, it is no longer just a moment in time but it is a series of moments that you can look back on and know that you have experienced a sense of fulfilment.  

The next time you are finding it difficult to be happy, I hope that you will remember this post. When all seems lost and feels hopeless, just remember that you and only you alone have control over your thoughts. Think of all to positives in your life, and list all of the things you are grateful for, reach out to a friend. Edith talked about all of these things and more in her last post, Snap Out of it! Most importantly remember that you are not alone, everyone is on this journey to finding happiness.

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Gender Neutral

Gender roles today are slowly changing, but not fast enough. For the longest time, women and men have been assigned different roles that set the precedent for society’s expectations of them. And these separations create an unequal, biased spectrum of what is socially acceptable of either sex. our social construction of assigned gender roles can be traced back to the moment we are born and it shapes our mentalities for the rest of our days. The only way to change the mold society has put us in, is to break it and make a new one.

It starts at a young age. Parents’ roles in the home are an important piece in how their children interpret what is socially expected of them based on their gender. For example, in a nuclear family if the father takes on the role as the “bread winner” and the mother takes on the role as the “homemaker,” a son will believe that it is his responsibility to provide for his family when he grows up. The same goes for a daughter in the exact same setting, she will believe that she has to take on her mother’s responsibilities in the future. Now, I know that this is not true for EVERY situation, but parents influence the roles of each sex, and it all starts in the home.

We establish gender roles even before birth, from first determining the sex of the baby, to then planning a baby shower, then preparing the child’s room … the funny thing is ... we have not even met the pre-born yet, so how do we know what they would want in their room? These standards are also reinforced once the child begins to go to school. Instead of shaping their lives for them and coloring their lenses in pink or blue, we should be conscious about how we manipulate the child’s environment. We need to find ways to NOT influence our children's decisions based on gender specific expectations that WE’VE been raised with. By doing so, we can begin to start breaking the mold.

However the the media will always perpetuate these assigned roles by having commercials that show little girls playing with barbies and little boys playing with remote controlled cars. It is our job to not let those images shape what our children think is socially correct when it comes to the toys they play with. I remember when I was very young, during my birthday or Christmas, people who didn’t know me very well would get me gender specific toys that were meant for girls. The toys I got were barbie dolls, makeup kits, a play set that simulated a kitchen, it EVEN came with miniature plastic pots, pans, cooking utensils all the homemaker galore!!!.... yay… Those toys were atrocious, they represent conformity and I was  born a REBEL >:) … hence this blog post. The people who bought  those toys for me were influenced by the images in the media and they assumed that I would like these toys simply because I happen to be a girl. They didn’t even know my personality. DO NOT make the assumption that just because I’m a woman I will be cooking a man’s dinner, cleaning HIS home, raising the children that have HIS last name … well now that my spontaneous rant is over … My point is, we need to move past these pre-assigned gender roles and set a new model that will allow everyone to be themselves without the pressures that society imposes on what we SHOULD play with.

So the main idea I want you all to take from this post is to analyze how you influence specific roles in society. What are you doing that conforms to the rest? What fairytales are you telling your princess? What legends are you telling your knight before bed? Like I mentioned in my previous post, children will absorb whatever you expose their minds to. Use this as an opportunity to break the mold we have been baked into by an EZ Bake Oven. “Children must be taught HOW to think, not WHAT to think”- Margaret Mead

Beauty is a State of Mind

In my previous post I talked about how people should not judge those who wear makeup. Makeup can be used to accentuate the features and is also used as a platform to express one’s self. While I still stand by those who are avid makeup users I want to take another perspective on that position and reach out to those who wear makeup to hide behind it. One of the reasons people wear makeup is because they want to cover up those “imperfections”. While you may think your imperfections need to be covered up to be beautiful the truth is there is nothing imperfect about you. You are unique and beautiful the way you are and you don’t NEED to hide behind makeup to FEEL beautiful.

It is important to understand why we may think the “flaws” we have are even considered flaws to begin with. Think about all of the billboards, and ads in the mall, at the train stations, on buses, in newspapers, and on television that exhibit a ridiculous, unrealistic depiction of what is widely considered “beautiful.” The illusion of beauty as the media portrays it is EVERYWHERE and it’s constantly changing. Don’t get brainwashed into thinking that you’re anything less than beautiful. If you do not look like those models in the ads it is ok, we are all unique and that needs to be celebrated. Remember that the sole purpose of those ads is to sell you the idea of what they say is beautiful, but most importantly- they want to sell you their products. It’s fine if you wear makeup, I’ve got nothing against you wearing it, but please don’t hide that beautiful face behind some absurd illusion of beauty.

If you can’t leave your home without wearing the slightest amount of makeup, you’ve got an issue on your hands. The makeup you put on is going to get washed off at the end of the day (unless you sleep with your makeup on which is NOT good for you, or your pillows!) The REAL you is exposed the moment you wash all of the artificial beauty off and what is gonna happen when you run out of that shit? What do you do? Buy more and more and more and more and more … I think you got the point. So much money is spent on these products for you to feel beautiful, why not save your money and just be beautiful the way you were born. Beauty is a state of mind, if you are constantly holding your beauty to the images you see in ads, you will always be chasing an unstable ideal. Come to terms with your natural skin and your so called “imperfections,” they’re what make you different from the rest and there’s no shame in being who you are. “Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you!”- Dr. Seuss.

Love always,

Edith

Freedom: Mind Over Matter

I was having a conversation with a good friend from college, and it had me thinking for a while about my life. They asked me “Do you still live with your parents?” I responded, “Yes, I do.” After I got off the phone with my friend I began to think; “I am not really on my own.” When I was in college, I lived on my own and I had the freedom to do as I pleased. Now that I moved back home with my parents it’s much harder to do whatever I want. As much as I’d like to think that I’m an adult who can fend for myself, I still have to abide by the rules of my parents which limits my freedom.

There are times where I feel trapped in my own home. I can’t stay out as long as I please or stay the night at a friend’s place without getting into an extensively pointless argument with my parents, whereas when I was in college I had the freedom to do so. In the past I have dealt with this in different ways, one way would entail me doing whatever I please and pissing off my mom and dad, (yes, I am rebellious). I would come home and get berated over three hours and still get shit for my “behavior” throughout the rest of the day, week, month or even the rest of the year…(yeah not even kidding you). Anyways, the other way to “deal” with the situation is to avoid confrontation altogether or choose to back down and keep my parents happy. The word deal is in quotations because it’s not really “dealing” with the issue it’s simply choosing to avoid it in order to diffuse any altercation at the cost of my freedom. I have tried both methods and both have left either party unsatisfied.

My freedom suffers when the best interests of others get in the way of mine. In this case I’m looking out for my parents, I love to see them happy and if it means that I stay indoors because they feel I will be safe, I’ll do it. However, it hurts me socially because this takes a toll on my relationships outside the home. To me, it’s worth it because I want them to be happy as much as possible. When you love someone you sacrifice things for them and they have sacrificed being overprotective at times to respect me as an adult.

The only true freedom I have is in my thoughts and in my dreams, no one can restrain me in my own thoughts, I’m in control. Thinking the undoable and imagining the unreal is when I am free to apply my thoughts to something more tangible. I know there will be a time where eventually my actions will speak for me and not my parents. My parents influence my life right now but maybe in the future my freedom will be restrained by another variable for example, my marriage partner, children, or work. Freedom is an illusion, it all depends on how you look at it and what restrains it. Just make sure that if you sacrifice something it is worth it.

Love and peace,

Edith