Put Your Blinders On, and Get Sh*t Done!

Don’t let what people say get to you. Compliments and criticisms are different heads on the same coin; they are two different extremes that have the same effect on our personal and professional development. Every now and again it is nice to hear praise from those around you, this lets you know that you are doing something right, but don’t let praise get to your head because where you are in life and what you have accomplished is not over. You must continue to grow and move on to bigger and better things. Those who instead critique you on what you are doing will only create friction, don’t open a window for them to dismantle your hard work and how far you have come. There is a time and place to receive such feedback and you have to be the one that decides when and where it is received and who gives it. Listen to the compliments and listen to the criticisms, and do not let them get to you. Find the balance between them so that you can move forward in a positive light. At the end of the day it is you that has to live with how you live your life. Take what you can and keep your focus. Others have the right to express how they feel, but it is your responsibility to keep your head above the water and not drown in the criticisms or compliments.

Compliments should be taken as a congratulatory formality. They should be seen as milestones, it’s only the end of one battle in a series of battles that make up a bigger war known as LIFE. Do not become overconfident, egotistical, narcissistic, or douchebaggy when receiving compliments because the war is not over. When you let compliments get to your head you stop learning and think that you have it made. It disables you to continue to work even harder by letting your guard down. Life is not going to stop so why should you? The clock is going to tick the same way it always has. Just because someone has acknowledged your hard work does not mean it’s the end of your journey. The compliments are just the beginning of what else you have in store to offer the world. It’s rewarding when people compliment you on your hard work and your accomplishments but this only means that you are doing well and must continue to push forward on your endeavors and not give up. Don’t stop there!

If you let yourself become influenced by criticism, you are giving up your power to be who you want to be. Everyone has gone through countless insecurities in their lifetime, and many of those insecurities continue to stick with us. I am an Indian woman, as you may or may not know we tend to be quite hairy. Yet we are fixated on trying to get rid of all this hair. When I was growing up I never felt insecure about my hair however, there have been countless times in my life where I have been told to “fix it.” They have all said I need to do x, y or z to my hair so that ”it would look better.” In my mind I have never been pretty enough, so when people would point out my frizzy, puffy, untamed hair, it would bring out my insecurities. I actively chose not to let it get me down. I decided that the people I want to keep in my life are those who love me for me, and it won't matter what my hair looks like. At the end of the day, if you're doing what you need to be doing and you're content with yourself, other people's opinions don't matter unless you are looking for their opinion. You have the power to be in control at all times, never forget that.

We may not realize this but when we critique others on what they need to do or how they look, it may be a sign that we are unhappy with ourselves. We are the ones who have an issue with ourselves and see those flaws in others. The only reason we are critical of others is because we are critical of ourselves. If we want to tell someone that they need to change something about THEIR persona, we need to take a second glance at ourselves, let the other person be and find peace within ourselves. One can offer suggestions but ultimately it is up to each individual to decide for themselves what advice they apply to their life at any point. We must remember that everyday that passes is a chance for us to grow and become something new. It takes a lifetime to become the people we want to be, and it is not always a walk in the park. So when you are busy critiquing others you are not focused on your own life and getting to where you should be. You are also adding unnecessary stress and judging what is out of your control, when you should be focused on your own life goals and achievements.

Over the years I have learned that what people have to say does not offer any insight as to what kind of person I am. Never let what people say, good or bad, affect your life. Keep your eyes on the prize, and only stop to pick up the things that are going to help you.“Do not let other people’s compliments go to your head nor their criticisms to your heart.”

Chivalry is NOT Dead!

Is chivalry REALLY dead? Some people believe that it is long deceased. However, the original sentiment about chivalry has changed throughout the years and WE need to change along with it. We are living in the 21st century and as a woman I would like to be treated as an equal to EVERYONE. Many people would argue that women have fought so hard to have equal rights as men, and that when women expect men to do things, such as open a door or give up a seat, is setting women back. When a man does something for a woman, is he disabling her? Are women giving up power when they yield to a man’s polite gestures? When it comes to chivalry there are those few things that a person SHOULD do for another no matter if they are a man or a woman. OK… lets back up a bit. When I use the word "chivalry" the definition I am using is: courteous behavior toward the people around you; I have tweaked the definition a bit, the original one said “esp women” at the end. The reason why I have changed it to “the people around you” is because as human beings we need to be courteous to EVERYONE, no matter age, race, sex, etc.. This is something that is deeply rooted in our society. Our parents have taught us our roles as boys and girls. However, we are constantly evolving and our current social surroundings are not what we grew up with. As we progress and find our place in the world, we will realize not everything is black and white.

Ok ok … Where does this concept come from?  Chivalry originated between 1170-1220. The word itself is derived from the french word chevalerie, which translates to horse soldier and referred to knights in medieval times. In fact, chivalry or the chivalric code is essentially a code of conduct by which knights carry themselves. This code was composed of many promises a knight was supposed to keep. ONE of them being to honor women and be their helpmate, but above all they are expected to be courteous to everyone, this implies men, women and children alike. The reason why men are supposed to honor women in the chivalric code is because women are the nurturers of life. Any man that commits violence against women is a disturbance in the natural code of the universe, naturally they are supposed to protect women.

With all of that information in mind, I have a little story to tell, so grab your popcorn and a blanket … or a fan depending on the weather ...  ARE YOU READY? Ok ... I was walking into my doctor's office a few weeks ago and as I was walking in, a woman was walking out along with her 2 kids, a boy and a girl. The woman then told her son that he should open the door for her and his sister because that is what boys are supposed to do. I thought that it was great that she was teaching her son such manners, however, what was she teaching her daughter? What are girls supposed to do? Wait for a MAN to open the door for her? Opening the door for anyone is a simple act of kindness. EVERYONE is obligated to make sure the door doesn’t smack the person’s face behind them, because no one wants the door hitting them when they cross the threshold. When I was growing up, my siblings and I were not taught this concept that a man needs to do something for a woman. We were all expected to treat one another equally, and help others who are in need of it.

Chivalry is looked at as a romantic gesture in today’s society that exhibits a man’s ability to care for his woman, it’s no longer the code of conduct only knights are expected to follow. Men are required to use such behavior when wooing a woman. Here is one such example, when I’m on a date, and the guy I’m with opens the car door for me, I’m going to let him. This is not backwards thinking. It is flattering when someone else does something for me even if I can do it myself. It also lets me know that this guy cares for me enough to make sure all of my limbs are in the car before moving. But seriously, it lets me know that he has the ability to be gentlemanly and caring. It also makes me feel safe because he has made sure I made it into the car without a scratch. Trust me, he gonna get some gluten free brownie points right from the beginning (Fellows… Hope you’re taking notes). Within a romantic setting or relationship, the other person will ALWAYS get a positive reaction if they do something that is unexpectedly nice for the other. Calling ahead to make reservations for a meal, shows the other person that some thought went into planning the evening. The simple task of planning ahead makes the person feel cared for because the planner took control of the situation.  

Maybe it’s not even chivalry that we are talking about, maybe we are just talking about human kindness and practicing your manners. OR maybe that is EXACTLY what chivalry is. We are too consumed with our new fancy smart phones that we do not even notice the person walking out of the building behind us. Being more aware of what is going on around us, is one of the first steps to being a kinder person. The definition of chivalry is no longer what a man can do for a woman, it is however, what one human being can do for another human being. Just a few months ago the United States Congress legalized same sex marriage, it is clear we no longer have the same traditional concept of gender roles and it is time to redefine our social expectations of one another. What are the next steps to creating a better, more peaceful place for the generations to come?

~Be kind.

Failure OR Success? Who Decides?

We all want to succeed in life and that means something different to everyone. The dictionary definition of the word failure is the lack of success. So what does success mean? I thought you would never ask ... Success is defined as the accomplishment of an aim or purpose. With all of this in mind, why is it that in human nature we think that our success is measured by the people around us? We look at people that are in similar situations as us and we think that we have failed somehow because we do not have our sh*t as together as it would SEEM. The truth is that we all need to NOT worry about other people because they have an idea of success that is much different than our own. We are unique individuals and we are on our own unique path, looking at others will not help us. Success is relative. Only YOU truly know what your aim and purpose are therefore, only YOU can determine if you have succeeded or not. People will always formulate an opinion but your opinion is the only one that matters. Keep your eyes on the prize, do not let yourself be bothered by outsiders. If you are too busy looking at others it will do more harm than good. When you compare yourself to others you will always find the ways in which they are better than you. We fixate on their success and do not take into consideration what the person has overcome. Don’t focus on others, if you do, you are spending less time working on your own SH*TUFF.

We have adopted a misconception of what success actually means and our notion of success has also shaped what we believe failure is. Our notion is socially constructed and has trickled into our educational system, making it extremely difficult for people to truly explore their passions. This stops people from walking on their own path because they have a fear of failing, they take the “safest” path because it guarantees success or they are too busy doing what is expected of them. If you are walking down a path that is not meant for you, that will affect your level of happiness which is directly connected to how successful you will become. We want to make the people in our lives happy, but we have to keep our own happiness in mind when we are walking our path. Our parents have influenced how we think and we always want to make the people who raised us proud, as a result we will define our own success based on what THEY want for us. Take time to figure out what it is that YOU want and not what others want for you.

Many people think that success is defined by the amount of money you got in the bank. However, if we treat money as the ONLY component to our success we will learn that it is not everything. Having money is great, but if you are not happy with your life, have you truly succeeded? There is more to life than what kind of car you drive or how big your house is, all of that is nothing if you are not living a fulfilling life. Measuring your success according to your bank account, will result in a depressing existence. You will constantly be trying to get more and never be satisfied. Nothing in life is guaranteed including success and ESPECIALLY the number in your bank account. Do not make “money” your main focus when you are trying to measure your level of success.

When do we fail? When we give up. There is nothing worse than setting out on a journey and not crossing the finish line. Nothing is impossible to accomplish. We make our own restrictions and convince ourselves that we cannot do something. As long as we are still actively working towards our goal we are succeeding, but the moment we stop BELIEVING that we can do it, we have failed. There are moments in life where we may fail at our goals regardless of how hard we have worked but there is a lot to gain from the experience altogether. We need to look at the glass as half full, focus on what you have and where you need to go. At the end of the day your accomplishments are always much greater than your failures. When working towards your goal, stick to it, achieve your full potential and figure out where you need to improve. Always try your best, so that at the end of the day you can say with full confidence that you gave it all that you had.

~Go be a success.

What Good Am I If I Do Not Help?

What is the value of one's life if they cannot see beyond their own pathetic little lives. Our lives are so small and insignificant that we do not have the option of being self centered. People who do not touch the lives of others are forgotten because they are too busy thinking about themselves. Had Martin Luther King Jr. only thought about himself, we would still be living in segregation. Had Mahatma Gandhi not stood up against injustices, we would still be fighting our oppressors with sticks and ammunition. Had Cesar Chavez not spoken out for workers’ rights, we would still be working for dirt. Had Sophia Auld not taken the time and risked her reputation to teach Frederick Douglass how to read, we would not have a narrative of a slave in American history. Where would we be without all of these amazing people? We could be here all day... year... if I continue to name more. One thing these people have in common is that they all were looking beyond their own lives and worked to make life better for everyone around them. King knew the dangers of what he was doing, but he stuck with it because he knew he could make a difference in the world. Gandhi knew how powerful the British were and he could have easily moved to another country, but he stood his ground and fought. Chavez knew that it was going to be a long and hard road to gaining basic human rights for farm workers, but he stuck with it and fought to the end. Auld knew that no one would approve of her affection for a slave, but she taught Douglas how to read and write anyway.

Human kindness. What does it mean? It means helping whomever, whenever you can. I am at a point in my life where I am trying to figure out what I can do to make it a fulfilling one, and I know that in order to make it a fulfilling one I need to help people. If I knew that I could do something to make someone else’s life better and I chose not to take action to help, I would constantly be wondering if I could have made a difference. Whenever I witness someone turning a blind eye when I know they are fully capable of helping someone, I feel disgusted in humanity. What is our purpose if we are not here to help those who are in need? Yes, it is true that we need to help ourselves before we can help others, but where does it end and where does it begin? Together we are much stronger than we will ever be alone. It takes a village to raise a child and we need to apply the same mentality when it comes to helping those around us.

Do something nice for someone. It doesn’t cost you an arm and a leg to make someone else's day. The main idea behind being truly kind to someone is to better their day without expecting a reward. Acts of true kindness build your character, it shows that you want to do something out of the honesty of your own heart and nothing more. Do what you can to help; if there is a sink full of dishes, wash them, if there is a person about to cross the street wait for for them, if there is a person asking for help, help them however you can. If anyone is in need of a little help, you could be the difference in their lives. Don’t worry about what they do with it, if you know you did what you could then you did your part, and you will know it wasn’t for lack of human kindness.

Not too long ago I was on my way to buy myself a mop, (cuz lord knows I needed it!) and I came across a little old lady who dropped her canned goods out of her shopping bag. We were walking in 95 degree weather and it was extremely windy, as a result she was having trouble controlling her shopping cart. I saw her struggling so naturally, I stopped to help her For me helping her was a no brainer. I was on a time crunch I need to get my mop and go, but I knew that if I helped her it would only take up 2 minutes of my time, and she too would be on her way much quicker. Once I was done helping her she looked at me and simply said, “Thank you, you just made my day.” Her 7 little words at the end made my day as well. When I stopped to help her I did not stop to seek some type of reward, but it was satisfying that my presence and helping hand was enough to turn someone’s day around. I then began to think what good am I if I cannot help the people around me? What kind of person would I be if I turned my back on another being in need?

~Do what you can no matter who is watching. Every little bit counts.

If I Knew Then What I Know Now: A Letter to Edith's Past Self

Dear,

You... Me... Us …

I know you think you don’t have your life together. News flash kiddo, at 25 you will still be trying to piece it together! Ten years into your future you will have learned a lot, but I want to use the opportunity to share some important life lessons that if applied sooner will come in handy.

Not knowing everything is not a bad thing. Life is about making mistakes and figuring out how to cope. Whenever you have doubt, you should ask questions even if you think you sound  stupid. Chances are that a lot of people around you feel the same way and have the same questions. When you choose to keep quiet, you deprive yourself from learning something new and sharing the knowledge with those around you.

You are young and smart, you shouldn’t be wasting your time on pointless things. You have so much to look forward to... you have no idea. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you can’t make decisions for yourself. That guy that made you feel like you were HIS property, is still an asshole. But who cares about his A$$!? I know you were afraid to lose him, but guess what? There are plenty of people in your life to love and who will love you back. These people will support you and help you become more independent. When you realize that your life is in YOUR hands, you can make decisions for yourself to create your own path. Don’t waste time with bittersweet people, you won’t get that time back. You have much learning to do and no time fo’ mahfuck@s. It is worth your while to spend time thinking about more important things such as school and your artistic and spiritual development; focus on these aspects of your life and you will continue to add more meaning to it.

You don’t realize it now but when you place your self-worth in the hands of someone who doesn’t appreciate and love you for who you are, it really wounds your self esteem. Don’t worry about what others will think, you don’t owe them anything. Just remember that you have to love yourself for who you are and don’t be ashamed of what you need and what makes you happy. It’s not up to anyone to determine what happiness is for you. Happiness is relative to each person. If you take care of yourself and work to keep YOU happy, you’ll be much more grateful and at peace with yourself. Don’t create an inner war with yourself to the point of no return, learn to cope with your surroundings. Afterall life is a game of push and pull. There will always be things to learn and unlearn. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Dream BIG. Dreams don’t cost you anything. You don’t have a lot of people who expect much of you other than your teachers and your parents. YOUR life is about YOU. You have the opportunity to dream big and work hard towards making those dreams come true. It’s ok if right now you don’t have the funds to travel, you don’t need it. Get lost in a new culture, visit a temple you’ve never been to before, eat food from another origin, follow the sunset until the edge of the world. Write down a list of places you want to go to and things you want to accomplish. It is especially important to write things down so that you can visualize what you want to do and you can work towards that goal. Once you’ve seen those goals through, crossing them off your bucket-list will feel satisfying! You will have the feeling of accomplishment and will want to work towards more goals and challenge yourself along the way!

Yo, get your isht together. You have a whole life ahead of you, don’t let the moment pass you by and live!

Much love and best wishes,

Edith P.

If I Knew Then What I Know Now: A Letter to Hareena’s Past Self

Dear, Me (5 years younger)

There are SO many things I could tell you about your future and how things turn out, but everything happens as it should. When things do not go as planned it is critical to learn how to pick yourself back up and learn to go with the flow. No matter what I tell you, from the future, it will not change the events of your life that will lead you to where I am today. You will have smoother transitions in life if you realize the changes that need to be made sooner.

Family, they will always be there, but they are not the ones living your life. Your family will support you in whatever it is that you want to do and your actions will affect them. However, your happiness is most important. You have to live with yourself and if you are not happy about what you have decided, then it is YOU that has to face yourself in the mirror everyday. So, listen to everyone, take their advice, but in the end do what you want to do. Listen to what your heart and mind are saying to you, it will make the difference and you will be more at peace with yourself.

Do not be afraid of change. There will be a point where you will have to leave everything behind; your childhood, your friends, your neighborhood. You will have to learn how to adjust to the change and you will have to learn how to figure things out for yourself. Learn how to break away from the comfort of your normal everyday life, learn to welcome the change and look at it as a new beginning, a new opportunity to learn.  

Figure out what you want to do and DO IT! The sky's the limit and do not let ANYONE tell you, “you can’t.” If you waste your time listening to people who tell you this, you will begin to believe it. You will be stuck with nowhere to go and stray away from your purpose. Essentially, you will be wasting your valuable time. The feeling of being lost will overcome you causing you to lose purpose. The only way you will figure out what you want to do is to try new things! Do not stop yourself from trying new things, that next thing you try, just may be what you were meant to do. Do not settle for less than what you deserve.

A part of living is dying. People will come and go, but it's especially hard to lose someone that is close to you. It is even harder to lose someone that you NEVER got a chance to know. Never miss out on the opportunity to speak to anyone, no matter how close or distant the relationship is. You never know when your conversation will be the last one.

This next piece of advice that I am about to share with you may sound a bit odd, given our history, but try to care less. There will be people that come into your life that you will care too much about, and it will seem as though they do not even care whether or not you are even breathing regularly. Be kind to everyone, and do not show any one any negative feelings.There will be those few people that will be there for you when you need them and those are the people you need to care for. Put the effort in showing them that you care. A Mark Twain quote comes to mind, “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” So, if you care less about the people that do not blink an eye for you, you will have more time to focus on yourself and the people who deserve your attention, you will endure less suffering.

Sincerly,

Hareena (from the future)

My Way is THE Right Way

Who gets to decide what is right and what is wrong? … NO ONE and EVERYONE! We all have our own opinions and we have our own ways of accomplishing a task. There is no right or wrong way and there is always time to listen and learn to use that knowledge constructively. There are those few people in our lives that insist on being difficult and we wish we could knock some sense into them. These people tend to think they know EVERYTHING and they have a strong will power to be stubborn and always HAVE to be right. These people never even try to meet you half way, even if they let you state your opinion, it’s like talking to a wall. You know they are going to do whatever it is they want to do anyway. Change can be difficult and if we are used to doing things our own way, it is harder to learn to let go of our norm. If we do not succeed, we will draw a wedge between ourselves and the people around us. No matter how young, old, green, or blue we owe it to one another to really listen. We need to take the input from others when we can, so that our perspective on life becomes more complete. If we are too intent on looking through our own lens all the time, we will never see the complete picture. We must listen to others so we can get a glimpse through their lens.  

Whenever I come across people who do not take the time to look through others’ lens, I tend to think of these people as people with “BIG HEADS.” Let me make this clear, they do not physically have big heads. They have big heads in the sense that they think they are too important and too smart to listen to us common folks, their pride gets in the way. They believe that they do not HAVE to listen to what other people have to say. When I find myself in this type of situation I tend to shut down, and I try to limit my interactions with this person because I do not feel they value me or our relationship. They push me away, making me feel unimportant. People like to feel important, the moment they feel any different is when respect walks out of the door. Others will not stick around if they feel they are getting any less than what they deserve. When the BIG HEAD gets in the way, they cannot see beyond their own scope. They can only see the black and white, they do not see all of the shades of grey. If they ever stopped to listen (and I mean REALLY listen) to the people around them, they may gain another perspective. Hopefully they will begin to see the other shades of grey… and maybe even some color.

Everything is evolving, ideas evolve, technologies evolve and people evolve. New “discoveries” are always challenging the status quo and changing how we view the world. With anything that’s “new” people might have difficulty accepting it as a part of their reality. In medieval times when people used to believe that the Earth was flat, the concept of Earth actually taking a spherical form was unbelievable. Many people did not agree nor did they accept this reality. There are even people TODAY that still believe the Earth is flat, don’t take our word for it, go look it up for yourselves!! We all have our beliefs and whenever someone tries to challenge them, we shut down and refuse to listen to the nonsense that others are throwing our way. However, we need to be able to step away from those beliefs, even if it is for a moment, so that we can see something beyond ourselves. When it came to the shape of our world, it was hard for people to see past what they had been taught their entire lives. Whether or not you believe the world is flat is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, what is relevant is if you took the time to educate yourself on the subject matter before shutting down the idea entirely. Today, it is widely accepted that the earth is round and we do not challenge this sentiment, but I am sure that many of you do not know the other side of the argument, or even knew that the other side existed. So, step outside of your bubble, do research and learn as much as you can, if it is one thing that no one can ever take away from you it is your knowledge.

Willingness to listen to others and to change will make for more opportunities to engage with others and broaden your perspectives to add your pool of knowledge. You have your own opinions about the world but being a hard wall to talk to will most definitely bring about unproductive encounters with those around you. I do not like to engage in conversation with someone who doesn’t grasp anything other than what they know. If they are unwilling to open up their mind to the world around them and listen to others, they will lose the opportunity to learn. Whereas if they open up their minds and try to learn new things they will be able to contribute to society in a more functional way. Imagine how much more productive of a society we could be if more people were willing to try new things, think outside the box and actually take risks in order to better their situation. If everyone were WILLING to listen, the possibility of more people working together to find common ground and working on issues that matter would be significantly greater. Sometimes we need to set aside our beliefs of the things we know to understand something we have no idea about. We can’t always know everything and it’s ok to not know everything. We always have room for improvement but it starts with the willingness to take on the attitude that you CAN learn and continue to expand your knowledge.

Be OF this world, not just in it.