Keeping Company or None At All

Why do we feel lonely? Once we understand the reason, that is one step closer to ridding ourselves of that unpleasant feeling. For every person, the root cause of the feeling may be different. One reason we may feel alone is because we are seeking attention from others. When this becomes apparent to us we must stop and search for the “WHY.” Is it because we seek validation? Or maybe we are not comfortable with being by ourselves? Whatever the case may be, we have to come to terms with it and seek the best cure. The best cure for being lonely is… are you ready? … Yup, you guessed it! … BEING ALONE. If you think about it, we are the only thing we actually have! Let me explain; All of the materialistic things and the people in our lives will one day fade, becoming a memory. It is essential that you are comfortable with who you are. You cannot rely on people or things that are external to you for your own well being and peace of mind. Once you figure out the reason, you will not feel lonely because everything you need is within you, and you will no longer need to seek validation from that which is not within.

Entering an intimate relationship because you are lonely, is the worst possible reason you can give for being with someone. When you think you need to be with someone in order to feel complete, there is something more that needs to be explored about yourself. You cannot expect to feel complete with the help of your significant other. If you enter a relationship expecting that the other person is going to make you whole, you’re setting the relationship up for failure. You are expecting them to complete you but in a relationship you never know what to expect. When entering a relationship there is no real guarantee that it will “cure” our loneliness. Loving yourself for who you are and feeling confident about yourself is the cure to loneliness. You will not NEED another person to validate those feelings for you.

There are times in our lives when we need to be alone, and there are other times when we need to surround ourselves with people. However, being around the wrong people can be the worst feeling in the world. Loneliness does not mean you are alone, it is a feeling, no matter what your surroundings are. Sometimes when you are alone, that is when you feel the least lonely because you are free to be yourself and do not require the approval of people around you. It is always nice to have a stimulating conversation with another capable being, but if that conversation takes place with an incapable being or someone who simply who does not give an “F” then tis better to be alone that with that “Debby Downer.” There is nothing wrong with you, however the other person needs to learn not to be so damn RUDE!

When I needed to be in the company of my friends and family, they weren’t there for me. One evening, we were all enjoying one another’s company when I was flat out ignored and neglected. When I was speaking no one put the effort or interest in what I had to say. When I stopped to see how others were responding, I realized that 2 of the people were texting one another back and forth (RUDE!!!). This made me feel unimportant and unappreciated. If these people did not want to spend time with me that is fine but they did not have to drag my self esteem down as well. I would have been fine on my own, at least I would not have have felt ignored. I was more lonely around ALL these people than I would have been if they weren’t there. “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” (-Maya Angelou) Those people made me feel lonely and that is what I will remember, and I know that they are not who I want to be around.

Being alone and feeling lonely are two different things. You can feel lonely in a crowded room, more so, than if you were left alone. Find the reason you feel lonely and figure out why you crave the attention or company from other people to feel whole. No matter HOW you go about solving this unpleasant feeling you have to take the time to look within yourself to find the answer. Seeking comfort from the people or things around you will only cover up the loneliness for a short period, but it will come back to the surface at some point. Loving yourself and understanding WHO you are and what makes you happy will lead you to living a much healthier lifestyle, because your mind will be in harmony with how you are living your day-to-day life. So, make time for yourself, your future self will thank you. ;)

~Thank you <3

H O P E

A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. If you have air in your lungs and blood in your veins you have hope. Hope is what drives the human mind to move forward in life. When faced with a rather grim situation, hope is that agent that brings positivity to it, making us believe that things HAVE to get better. Hope is ALL we have, without it we have no reason… we have nothing. Humans have a limited time on this planet and we have to make the best of what we have and look to the positives in our lives. We do not know what tomorrow holds, but we hope that whatever is in store for us will be favorable. Hope is making the best of what you have, so that you can have a better outcome for tomorrow. When life gives you lemons, you make a lemon drop and plant the seeds so you can get more lemons in the future. ;)  ... It takes YEARS for a lemon tree to begin to produce lemons ...  hope is the same way. You should never give up on the tree because you do not know when that tree will bless you with the fruits of your labor (hard work)... When you have hope you should never lose it because once it pays off it will be all the more fulfilling.

Hope can be difficult to hold on to when all things seem lost. When people go through depression or a traumatic experience, it may seem that there is no way you can recover from it. However, somewhere in the back of one’s mind we have to believe that things will change for the better. BELIEVING that you will overcome the obstacle is half the battle. Once you have the mindset that things will get better, they HAVE to. If you hit rock bottom, there is nowhere else to go but up. Having hope will allow you to see beyond your current predicament into the future. One’s mind set can be the difference between one’s failure and one’s success, when you think you cannot do something chances are you will not reach that goal. When you reach this crossroads say to yourself, “Try, try again, and NEVER say ‘I can’t.”  Simply saying these words to yourself will affect your mentality toward the situation. It will make all the difference in your outcome and stops you from throwing in the towel.

Who remembers all of the controversy surrounding the Winter Solstice of 2012? The end to the Maya Calendar, or in other words the end of the WORLD? How many of us stopped our lives because we were betting on the fact that we were going to die? The Maya Calendar ended and some INTELLIGENT people took this as the world was going to end … but the majority of us, “normal” people still went about our lives and prepared for our futures. … we had hope. Granted not everyone believed that the world was going to end, but if everyone had, things would have been very different. Had we lost that hope, everyone's lives would have been in chaos, no one would have prepared for the day after. What we hope for tomorrow determines what our actions will be today. During this event I was finishing up my LAST semester at university, had I believed the world was going to end, I would not have bothered to get my education. However I had hope that the world was not going to end, as a result I secured my future by earning my degree.

We do not know what our future holds, and when we begin to think about our future we make a choice about how to pursue that life path. We think about what career will make us feel fulfilled. Once we begin to pursue that career path we hope that it works out for us. The reason we form ideas and construct dreams is because we have hope. We hope that they will one day come true, and that the future will be better than the present moment. There are no simple roads to success and when we hit a brick wall we look to the power of HOPE to see us through that rough patch. Without having hope, we would give up LONG before reaching or even realizing our potential. Some say babies are a blank slates and we learn basic things in life from walking to learning, and how to communicate, but if we gave up every time we fell no one would know how to walk. Throughout our life we WILL fall down, and having hope is what helps us get back up. If you fall 6 times you HAVE to get up 7 times, those 6 falls do not matter, it is the seventh rise that matters the most! Don’t nobody wanna stay down!   

Even when we hope with every fiber of our being, there will be times where all of our hope will be for nothing, and disappointment settles in where that hope once stood. That disappointment is not the “end,” but it is an opportunity to LEARN. We are not perfect human beings, there are many things that are in our control and if we have made the wrong decisions it is up to us to learn from our actions. Hope keeps us motivated, and it give us a reason for living. Our very existence is not based on a promise, but it is based on having hope for tomorrow and living for the future.

~Dream. HOPE. Future.

The “Perfect Mate” … Whatever THAT Means

Tall, Dark, and Handsome … What more could a girl want? We all have our preference when it comes to the Perfect Mate. No one wants to go through life alone, and we all long for the “One” to come along, but are we looking too hard? or not hard enough? And if we are looking for that special something in a person, does it even matter? Tall. Dark. Handsome. These are all PHYSICAL attributes that most people desire, but they will one day fade. Physical attributes are not important and you will ultimately be left with what is on the inside, the character. We all have a mental list of what we want, which is ok, but we have to be willing to stray away from that list to find that Perfect someone.

Everybody has some sort of image of what the Perfect Mate LOOKS like, however looks aren’t enough to keep us interested for a lifetime. This image is holding us back and not allowing us to see what is beneath the surface. If we compare folks to this picture in our head, we are setting them up for failure before we even get to know them. The “Perfect Mate” is someone that lives in our heads, and WE are the ones who shape what they look like and who they are. We MAKE UP their personality and their physical attributes so, of course we are going think they are perfect! However, when we meet someone in the real world, we are confronted with someone who has his/her OWN thoughts. When we get to know that person, we will find that there will be differences of opinions, causing us to rethink the existence of that Perfect Mate in reality.

When I ask someone what they want in a mate they bust out with a list. Yet, when a potential mate falls short of that list we begin to look elsewhere to find a mate that fits the list. We are not willing to step away from that list, even if what is written on there is something totally unreasonable, such as a full head of hair, 6 pack abs, blue eyes, or a perfect complexion. Do those things even matter? The person’s features will not make a difference in how they treat you or the people around them. Physical attributes do not define them as a Human Being. We all gonna look ugly one day anyway. So, what DOES matter? What lies beneath: CHARACTER and PERSONALITY. Having a mate that is good looking is a plus, but that should not be the total foundation of why you choose to be with that person. We are all attracted to different people and different personality traits, so we have to become aware of what WE want. However, when it comes to that list we have to remember that no one will 100% fit EVERY SINGLE THING you have on that “list,” you have to be willing to be flexible.

Character and personality are here to say, beauty will not last no matter how hard you try. Beauty is skin deep and you have to peel the layers to get to the “Perfect Mate.” We all want to be with someone we find attractive, but beauty isn’t everything. As we get older our youthfulness will be overcome by wrinkles, lines, hair falling out and growing in places it shouldn’t. Having someone with nice abs and a tight butt is cool today, but how would you feel once that’s gone? Would you still be interested in the person beneath all of the layers? Looks will one day fade, however our character is what remains. If you fall for someone totally based on what they look like the chances of having a long lasting relationship is very slim. The “Perfect Mate” is that individual’s personality you fall in “love” with. Humans are forever changing. We will never stay the same person for too long, and in most cases we are changing into better people. Most of that change and positive development can be accredited to the people we surround ourselves with, this includes our “Perfect Mate.” So when searching for a “Perfect Mate” we should stop and reflect on how that person is going to affect us, and how we affect them. We all have things we need to improve on, we just need to find the right person to help us make that change. We are not perfect.

No one wants to walk through life alone, we all hope that the special someone is out there for us. What if that person is staring you in the face every single day and you don’t even know it because you wrote them off of your list and now you’re too busy looking at everyone else? Stop thinking that your ideal mate is “PERFECT,” there is no such thing (if there is let us know … COMMENT! We would love to hear from you) Find in people what actually matters what makes them unique. Appreciate everyone for who they are on the inside and don’t be blindsided by the eye candy. Get to know people before you make an assumption about them.

~Be YOU!

Social Media: It’s Sucking Your Soul

I recently went to a wedding and I was appalled to find that the younger generation choose to socialize at the event through social media! As I was looking around the venue, the older generation was walking around and having drinks with one another while engaging in friendly conversation. However, the younger generation was sitting at their table and taking photos for their SnapChats, Instagrams, posting status updates to Facebooks and Twittering them tweets and whatever else is cool these days. Once I arrived home I decided to check my social media, and I was able to see EVERYTHING that was being posted during the event. I do not think that there is anything wrong with this type of expression, but I began to question why people WANT to post stuff in the first place. Is it to show off? Is it to seek attention? Is it about how many “likes” you can get? Or is it the simple fact that people CAN? Whatever the case may be, I think that it is important that we limit our social media interactions. It is consuming us and is putting a stop to the amount of face-to-face interactions we are having.

When you are plugged into social media and you are cyber stalking someone (don’t even try to lie, we ALL have done it) they seem to have their lives together. The key word there is: SEEM! When people post things to social media, they are posting the “cream of the crop” so to say. Meaning they are shedding light on all of the fun things and great times that are happening in their lives. So to be a third person looking in, and to think that they have their live together is completely wrong. We are only getting one side of the story, we are getting what people choose to post, what they CHOOSE to make public. I am sure that others feel the same way when they Facebook stalk you. When people do post something negative or something bad that is happening in their life, we tend to think that they are only seeking attention. Why is it ok to show off that you went on an awesome vacation, but when you are having a rough time, people think you are seeking attention? When people post things that could be viewed as “attention seeking,” it could just be a coping mechanism for something the poster is going through, and could simply be reaching out for some support. Everyone has the right to post whatever they want to THEIR social media, and if you do not like what you are seeing you have the right to ignore, block, unfriend or whatever you see fit.

There are also those circumstances where things get posted to social media to show others up, air out the dirty laundry, or to poke at someone else without actually saying who or what they are talking about. I get that this is one way people deal with issues in their life but it is petty and immature. If you cannot say something to someone’s face or if you are trying to send a message to someone indirectly, there is a deeper issue and you need to figure out why you have trouble talking face-to-face. If you find yourself on the other end of things and think that everyone is out to get YOU and is attacking YOU …. First off get a life, the Earth, Sun, Moon and whatever else is floating out there is not spinning around YOU. Secondly, if the other person cannot say something to your face, then it is simply not important enough for you to worry your little head about it.

Focus on what is important in your life. If you are spending long hours on something that is not enriching your life, then essentially you are wasting away. What you see on your facebook news feed is not reality, we choose to believe that all of those people on there are our “friends,” but our friends are the people that are there for us when we need them. Those friends that are there for us before the Sh*t hits the fan and are there after to clean it up and deodorize, those are the people that ARE important, THEY get dirty fo’ you! The more time you spend fussing with social media you are missing out on the reality around you. Reminder: Your time is precious! You will not be getting a refund for time spent unwisely. Don’t indulge in social media to the point where you aren’t even enjoying the experience in the flesh. Ask yourself this, “Is all the time I’m spending letting the world know what I’m doing actually taking away from the actual thing they see me doing?” If the answer is yes then stop and LIVE for LIFE’S SAKE! Life is only temporary.

Many people use social media like Facebook to keep in touch with their friends and family members. My friend (actual friend in the flesh) was telling me that they were being tagged in pictures of a newborn and said to me “As time goes by I’m probably going to watch this baby grow up through a screen.” It’s not bad that we look to these means of communication as a way to stay “connected,” we must be careful and think about how we are beginning to drift from a face-to-face society to a face-to-FACELESS society. The lack of physical contact can be desensitizing, it allows us to stretch out our feelings over time therefore losing our initial reaction. We are no longer genuine in our sentiment about our initial reactions when we are sitting behind a screen, we have the choice to respond to others when we feel the time is right, even if that is 2 years later.

What about 10 years later? As we get invitations for our high school reunions, I begin to wonder what is the point. Through social media, I know who is having kids and when they are having them (literally), who got married, who got divorced, who is doing what job, who came out of what the closet, when and where people have traveled. If I can see all of that through a screen on my phone why do I need to physically go to a reunion? If I REALLY wanted to catch up with someone I can simply send them a message or write on their wall. Social media has taken the excitement out of attending a reunion. It has given us the privilege to keep in touch with one another long after we have moved on with our lives, but it stops us from enjoying these types of social events.

Everyday we are presented with the opportunities to speak to the people around us, or we can CHOOSE to look at our phone. If we put our phones down for a minute who knows who we will meet, but we will NEVER meet that person if we are busy looking at who is having what baby on Facebook.UNPLUG! Turn that Facebook-thang off, and turn yo face on! Your lips are there to talk to people and your brain is there to think and engage with others in CONVERSATION! … ACTUAL CONVERSATION WITH YO’ FACE TO ANOTHER FACE.

Try, Try Again and NEVER Say, “I Can’t”

“I can’t.” These are the words I heard out of my student’s mouth as she was looking for a word in the dictionary. She did not say it once, not twice, but she said it three times. I could not understand why those two little words, “I can’t,” irked me so much. I was not going to let her give up so easily. Every single word is in the dictionary, she just needed to look harder, and no matter how long it was going to take her, I was going to keep pushing her until she got it on her own. As she was looking I tried to figure out why hearing her say, “I can’t” bugged me so much, then it occurred to me that I was taught NEVER to say those two little words. Those two words set you up to fail, if you THINK you cannot do something then you will not, it is that simple.

When I was in the second grade (about the same age as my student) my teacher, Mrs. Tanner, made us say, “Try, try again and NEVER say, ‘I can’t,’” every single morning ritualistically. As the school year went on, I began to say these words with more and more confidence. However, I still did not fully understand the power and meaning those words carried, or how they have shaped the person I have become. I was a bright-eyed second grader and I did not know what the world had in store for me. Because Mrs. Tanner drilled me not to say, “I can’t,” it never really occurred to me how damaging the words really are, and to a great extent a lot of my success is because she taught me to believe in myself. Whatever I set my mind to, I know that I can accomplish it. Many years in the making the light bulb finally went off and I have Mrs. Tanner to thank for that. That moment, with my student was a realization for me, I FINALLY realized what Mrs. Tanner was trying to teach me all of those years ago.   

Whenever I feel like I cannot do something or feel I like complaining about things, I always say to myself, “mind over matter.” Our problems and obstacles are only as big as we make them. The words “I can’t” disable you mentally, your mind believes that you cannot do something and if your mind believes it, it will be harder to achieve that task. Thinking these words stop you from even trying, it sets you up for failure before you even begin. When you say that you CAN do something, that is one step closer to actually accomplishing the task at hand. If for whatever reason you did not complete the task, then you can walk away knowing that you have done everything that you could. If you believe that you cannot do something from the beginning, then there really is not a point in trying any further. You can set yourself up for success or you can sit on your A$$ and let things blow up in your face … It’s your choice.

I told my student the story of my second grade teacher, and as I was doing so, I hope that she will one day understand the value of, “Try, Try again and never say ‘I can’t.’” One day I too hope that I will have the same impact on all of my students as Mrs. Tanner had on me. As time goes by, I hope that my students will one day remember me and the lessons that I thought them. If Mrs. Tanner is still out there I hope that I will be able to share this story with her, so she can know the impact she had on me as well as all of the other students she touched. Going through life is not about what we cannot do, but it is about what we set our minds to and accomplish. I hope that by writing this article the wise words of Mrs. Tanner will continue to impact others.

~Say, “I can’t” one mo’ time … and watch whaz gon happen!  

You Want Some Fries With That?!

Complaining, we all do it. We complain about the things that don't go our way, we complain because we are expected to do things we do not want to do and in the midst of bitching about life we forget about the blessings and we also forget that it could be worse. We need to be mindful about how we express our 'misfortunes' to those around us. Not everyone has the same blessings as you do. There are many material objects in our lives that we complain about either because it is too slow or is not working properly, yet there are some people in the world that do not have such luxuries. It is much easier to point out the bad things that are going on in our lives, I am one of those people and I know that I need to work on looking at the positives in my life. We all need to be more grateful and need to be more present despite what doesn't go our way. Be thankful to still be alive, every day that you’re not six feet under is a great day. Make it an effort to be more grateful for the positive things in your life and stop complaining. Appreciate more, complain less.

I was talking to a friend of mine, we were telling each other about our day and I began to complain about all of the work I had to do and how busy life is. Then, my friend stopped me and said "at least you have a job." I was stumped by how they put me in check and it was true, at least I was blessed to have a job. I was ashamed that I was ungrateful about my job when my friend has been looking for a work unsuccessfully. To my friend it seemed I as though I was looking for some pity or seeking outside gratification for the hard work load, but I should have empathetic. They pointed out that my reality could have been much worse. At least I had the means to pay for rent, food, and utilities with my job which I took for granted.

Taking things for granted, complaining about the blessings you already have and wanting MORE, can you be any more greedy?! A lot of people are fortunate enough to have the basic necessities for life, yet, they tend to worry about the things they do not have and it’s not until we lose something that we realize its value. We never really know what we have until it is gone, only then do we realize that we WERE blessed. Why is it that we become cognizant of our fortunes when it's too late? We don't have to pass up the opportunity to be grateful. We have the capability to see the good in our lives, we just need to make more of a point to see what we have. We shouldn't be retrospectively thinking about how good we once had it, we should take a moment to be grateful for what we have now, in the present moment. Aside from the basic needs for survival, everything else is a material THING that we can live without  Do not create attachment to THINGS; work on being present. When you become aware that you are missing an object, focus on the present moment. Do not lose energy on missing someTHING, use that energy on what you DO have.

People are never satisfied, they ALWAYS want fries on the side. We trick ourselves into thinking we never have enough and if things don’t go our way we believe that we are essentially ruined. We have grown to own more than we even have space for, yet in our our minds, that is STILL not enough. When you are overflowing with “stuff,” you still complain about how you can get something better. Even if you know you will be full with the main course of the meal you STILL want your fries. You overload your stomach with food, but when you finish you complain about how you ate too much. If you’re complaining about gas prices, think about the people that can’t afford to own a car. If you’re complaining about your phone and want to upgrade think about the people who do not even have a phone or a butt to wipe their toilet-paper on.

Go ahead, complain. It’s not going to get you anywhere. You may not realize it but there are many things to be grateful for instead of complaining about the small stuff. To live a positive and happy life you have to train your mind to focus on the things that are going “right” and NOT the things that are going “wrong.” Remember that materialistic things are items you can live without. The important thing is that you are alive. Be more alive and be more present. Be grateful for your fortunes, even when you are dwelling on the negatives in life.

When you find yourself complaining about life, let it out and let it go. There comes a point when you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and look at the glass as being “half full.”

I Am Not My Mistakes

Mistakes, we ALL make them, but how are our mistakes any worse or better than that of others? When I make a mistake and I learn from it, I will never intentionally make THAT mistake again. What gets under my skin is how others will always judge me for something that I did quite some time ago. I have learned from THAT mistake, however, THEY do not know that. For some reason people think they have the right to hold my error over my head for as long as I walk this planet. From this I have learned, that when others make mistakes, I have to remember that we are all humans striving to make a better life. A part of making that better life is to learn from our mistakes and become better people. We are forever changing and it is important that we all realize this fact not only about ourselves, but others around us as well. Along with learning from our mistakes we also have to offer others the opportunity to learn from their mistakes but we must never do it in a condescending manner.

I am not perfect! You are not perfect! So, why has society lead us to believe that our imperfections are something to hide and be ashamed of? Mistakes are one such imperfection. Imperfections make us human, it is proof that we are human. Making mistakes is an opportunity for learning and becoming a better version of yourself. If we make a mistake it is not the end of the world and if ANOTHER person makes a mistake, we need to realized that the world did not end, we are STILL here! :O The life lessons that YOU have learned not everyone has had the opportunity to learn them. Your life experiences and the lessons you learn shape your view of the world, and not everyone has the same worldview as you. When other people make a mistake, that is a part of their learning process. We should support one another’s personal development, by helping them see what is to be gained from the mistake. If we see that another person has made a mistake and we decide to stay silent, then we are apart of the problem and not the solution. Jesse Jackson once said, “Never look down on anybody unless you are helping them up.” If you are not planning on helping someone learn from their mistake, then you most definitely do not have the right to judge them for it and hold it against them forever.

We have all heard the phrase, “forgive and forget,” but what does that mean? Many people say that you are not really over a situation until you are able to forgive and forget, which is true, but I think it also has a lot to do with one’s inner peace. When people have wronged you in your life, you have the right to be angry and upset about it, however, holding on to that anger and resentment will not get you anywhere. If you hold a grudge over someone’s head for a long time it takes away at your inner peace. As my buddy, Buddha from another lifetime once said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” If you preoccupy your time with what another person did in their past, you will miss out on the person they have become. I am not the same person I was yesterday, and I am most definitely not the same person I was back in high school or middle school. I have done thing in the past that I am not proud of and when I have the opportunity to make amends I do, but I do not want to be judged for the person I was and for the mistakes I have made. The people that I have wronged have the right to be mad, but how would they feel if the shoe was on the other foot? We have all done things that we are not proud of but being able to make amends with those people offers a sense of closure for both parties.

So when you have the power to give others another chance, do it! All we can do is hope that the other person has truly learned from their mistakes and move on.